Joyful in hope?

I sat in a crowded train, trying my best not to cry. I was listening to Christian worship songs on my MP3 player, hoping that it would dull the pain and make it bearable. As I kept the volume at a reasonable level, I could still hear the buzz of conversation amongst the other commuters. It was stuffy and more than once, my foot was stepped on.

I didn't want to sink deeper into self pity so I fumbled around in my handbag and pulled out a wallet size Christian women's devotional book. I carry this wherever I go with me, along with my trusty notebook. I turned to a topic titled "Hope" and there it was. Romans 12:12. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

How am I able to be joyful in hope?

I was quietly hopeful that this month was going to be that special month. Then, I started spotting today. People have told tell me that it will get easier with time. You will be able to deal with the disappointment better if it repeatedly happened to you. Then one day, it wouldn't hurt anymore.

Is that true?

All throughout the noisy train journey, I was fighting hard to keep my tears at bay. I kept reading Romans 12:12. Be faithful in prayer. I can manage that as both DH and I have been praying for a second child for more than a year now. Be patient in affliction. That's harder but I can manage that too. I tell myself to focus and convincingly say that I can overcome the suffering and be a better person after that experience.

Joyful in hope?

That's much harder. On a normal day, even when PMS doesn't hinder my rational functioning, joy escapes me every now and again. What more when I have to come face to face with "losing" once again what my heart so desires? Hope...is there any left? I have to search all of my being to find that last ounce of hope to hold on to. To be joyful in that last ounce of hope... I don't see how I can do it.

A thought came to my mind. As I was crying inwardly, I felt that God was shedding the same tears as I was too.

In a desert land he found him,
in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
he guarded him as the apple of his eye.
- Deuteronomy 32:10

As I read this verse, I replaced "him" with "her" to identify myself in it. He cares for me. He hurts when I hurt because He loves me so much. I am His creation. I am the apple of His eye.

I still walked home with a heavy heart. It's never easy for me although this disappointment is a monthly event that I face without fail. As I reached our doorstep, I mustered enough courage to put aside my tears, my grief and my pain as I am returning to my DH and my Osh Osh, my beloved family.

The joy that Romans 12:12 speaks of, I believe, is not one of frivolous happiness which may be easily distinguished. It's quiet and yet strong and secure and it comes from the fact that God has not left me. He is with me in all this muddled up mess that I am going through right now.

Joyful in hope? It's not possible for me right now but I pray in time, I will get there...as that is where God wants me to be.

Take a left turn into DISAPPOINTMENT

DH's exams results were released on the college website last night. My heart broke when I couldn't find his name in the list. Both of us went through the list several times, from A to Z, hoping that somehow there was a mistake and his name was really in the list.

It wasn't. We are feeling very disappointed. We prayed hard and so did our family and friends. Still, this is the result that God has chosen to give DH. We do not understand the reasons for this. We have been facing so many obstacles in our lives since we moved to Singapore. On some days, like this, it seems that we have one obstacle after another being put in front of us. Wherever we turn, it leads straight into DISAPPOINTMENT or its friendly neighbourhood towns of FRUSTRATION and REJECTION.

Somehow, the roads we chose has never led us to any other friendlier places. If only, we could settle down in the tranquil countryside of PEACE and CONTENTMENT.

Maybe, it's because we have been using the wrong roadmap. I think I'll need to go to the bookshop again and pick up another directory. Hopefully, with a renewed sense of direction and a clearer sense of our final destination, we will be able to arrive at a place with constant blue skies and no more tears.

Unspeakable anger

That is exactly what I am feeling right now.

DH's friends sent text messages to say that DH failed. Most of them passed.

My unspeakable anger is not towards God. It's towards DH.

I feel that he brought this onto himself when he couldn't get a taxi to the exam venue on his first day and ended up all flustered when he got there. He had studied so hard and I just feel that this failure is just such a waste and could have been prevented.

I know I am using the word "feel" and yes, I agree I am very emotional now.

Some of my friends have sent me text messages and emailed, asking me to calm down and to think of our marriage as he needs my support at a time like this.

I just can't do it. I am not going to the airport. His parents will be there. They can give him the support which I am not able to do so now.

Coping with disappointment

We all face disappointments in life. Some deal with it better than others and some just fall apart. I'm usually the latter, unfortunately.

I just experienced something very disappointing an hour ago. It's happened to me before and I didn't cope with it that well then. This time round,well, although I'm feeling very low about it, I'm keeping myself busy and trying my best not to dwell on negative thoughts. Easier said than done. I'm sure when it's quiet later after Osh Osh is asleep, I'll probably be in bed, crying.

(I chose this photo as it's cute and yet so aptly describes how I'm feeling now)

I sent a text message to DH about this but after doing so, I felt bad. I shouldn't have done so as it might affect his concentration in his revision course today. Hopefully, he will remain focussed.

God, I'm relying on your strength to cope...