Is it just a symbol?

DH and I had a fight last night. What about? The significance of New Year's Eve and the start of the New Year. I know what you're thinking - what a ridiculous topic to fight about!

DH would not be home tonight for New Year's eve because he will be working. I wanted to have some quality time with him last night, so as to replace our time apart tonight. However, DH had a very busy day at work and running errands that he was tired. After dinner, he had to call our contractor to discuss some problems with the house renovations. He then had to discuss these issues with his father so that he can go over to the house and monitor the workers as we will not be able to do so.

When DH was finally free, I had dozed off. When I woke up about half an hour later, I felt really upset. The evening didn't turn out as I had hoped. I wanted an evening where both DH and I could sit on the sofa and reflect about how our year has been. It was not the best time to bring this up to DH but I did. He said that New Year's eve is just another day for him.It's no different than any other day. There's still work to be done, stresses of life to deal with and the problems that we have won't just go away with the clock striking 12 at midnight.

I told him that it meant a lot to me because I see it as a time to find release and to let all the pain, disappointments, anger and frustrations end with 2009 and to move into 2010 with a new and fresh outlook, filled with hope and joyous expectations.

To DH, New Year's eve and New Year's day are just symbols. Life goes on as per normal for him.

I agree now that what DH said made a lot of sense but given my agitated state of mind last night, I felt aggrieved that we had not spent a picturesque evening, talking about our recollection of the events of 2009 and our hopes and aspirations for 2010.

So, I went to bed, sulking and DH went to bed, irritated and frustrated with me.

This morning, I woke up calmer and somewhat embarrassed with the way I overreacted last night about this whole "New Year's eve, New Year's day" fuss. DH gave me a hug and a kiss in the kitchen before he left for work, wishing me "Happy New Year". I replied saying, "Why say it since it has no meaning for you?" He grinned and said, "It's important to you so I'm saying it."

After DH left for work, the words "new every morning" came to my mind and prompted me to look up this verse in the Bible.

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23"

The author of the book of Lamentations was in a sorrowful state of mourning. Amazingly enough, these verses of hope and encouragement lie within this book. He doesn't tell us to ignore our pain and suffering and to just put on a happy face and cheer up. Rather, in a very realistic outlook, he told us not to give up hope but to remember the faithfulness of God. We are given a new chance in life every morning.

This means that we don't have to wait until next New Year's Eve to make resolutions to be a better person and to live a better life. We can resolve to do it every day!

True, as DH said, the end of 2009 will not make all our problems miraculously disappear. We will definitely still end up being hurt, angry and disappointed with each other and with the people and events around us. There will still be difficult times, sad moments and lonely periods.

However, with the start of every day, there is hope for something better. With each day, God gives us a treasured opportunity to live our best, to love and to learn from Him. This is a privilege we all have and it's not just restricted to December 31 or January 1 of every year.

On that note, a hopeful toast to everyone for a new beginning for every single day in 2010!

Joyful in hope?

I sat in a crowded train, trying my best not to cry. I was listening to Christian worship songs on my MP3 player, hoping that it would dull the pain and make it bearable. As I kept the volume at a reasonable level, I could still hear the buzz of conversation amongst the other commuters. It was stuffy and more than once, my foot was stepped on.

I didn't want to sink deeper into self pity so I fumbled around in my handbag and pulled out a wallet size Christian women's devotional book. I carry this wherever I go with me, along with my trusty notebook. I turned to a topic titled "Hope" and there it was. Romans 12:12. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

How am I able to be joyful in hope?

I was quietly hopeful that this month was going to be that special month. Then, I started spotting today. People have told tell me that it will get easier with time. You will be able to deal with the disappointment better if it repeatedly happened to you. Then one day, it wouldn't hurt anymore.

Is that true?

All throughout the noisy train journey, I was fighting hard to keep my tears at bay. I kept reading Romans 12:12. Be faithful in prayer. I can manage that as both DH and I have been praying for a second child for more than a year now. Be patient in affliction. That's harder but I can manage that too. I tell myself to focus and convincingly say that I can overcome the suffering and be a better person after that experience.

Joyful in hope?

That's much harder. On a normal day, even when PMS doesn't hinder my rational functioning, joy escapes me every now and again. What more when I have to come face to face with "losing" once again what my heart so desires? Hope...is there any left? I have to search all of my being to find that last ounce of hope to hold on to. To be joyful in that last ounce of hope... I don't see how I can do it.

A thought came to my mind. As I was crying inwardly, I felt that God was shedding the same tears as I was too.

In a desert land he found him,
in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
he guarded him as the apple of his eye.
- Deuteronomy 32:10

As I read this verse, I replaced "him" with "her" to identify myself in it. He cares for me. He hurts when I hurt because He loves me so much. I am His creation. I am the apple of His eye.

I still walked home with a heavy heart. It's never easy for me although this disappointment is a monthly event that I face without fail. As I reached our doorstep, I mustered enough courage to put aside my tears, my grief and my pain as I am returning to my DH and my Osh Osh, my beloved family.

The joy that Romans 12:12 speaks of, I believe, is not one of frivolous happiness which may be easily distinguished. It's quiet and yet strong and secure and it comes from the fact that God has not left me. He is with me in all this muddled up mess that I am going through right now.

Joyful in hope? It's not possible for me right now but I pray in time, I will get there...as that is where God wants me to be.

Hope that red turns green!

It's hard when you come crashing down to reality, especially when you have been quietly but excitedly hoping that the change you have been longing for, is finally within your grasp. I have spent the last 2 weeks or so day-dreaming about taking a sabbatical from work. I had pictured my new daily routine and lived it in my head. Waking up and not have to rush around like a mad hatter to get Osh Osh ready for school and ensuring that all of us leave the house before the clock strikes 7.

I'm able to have breakfast with Osh Osh at a leisurely pace and read a book or two with him in the morning before taking him to the neighbourhood playground. I would only send him to school in the afternoon as we would have opted out of our present full day child care arrangement. When he is at school, I would have at least 2 hours to write freely without having to worry about what work email and voice messages await me. I pictured myself having more energy, more alive, less stress and anxiety; and ulitimately happier.

DH and I talked about this in length and he is very supportive. He was confident that we could get by comfortably on his single income despite the new mortgage payments for our home and our other monthly expenditure. I was more skeptical and had this nagging thought that we couldn’t do it.

A good friend of mine introduced me to an online budgeting tool which will assist in our calculations to give us a clearer picture of our finances. I worked on it alone yesterday and my heart sank when the numbers came out red. We would be about $1400 in the red if we were depending only on DH's single salary. DH didn't believe me when I shared this with him last night. He figured that I had overestimated some of our expenses to give us a buffer for unexpected emergencies. I did create a buffer as it wouldn't be realistic if we took this step without catering for unforeseen circumstances.

Although DH was tired last night, he sat down with me and we worked through the numbers again. We got more or less the same results. I was very disappointed. DH suggested that we do a 3 months dry run of drastically reducing our expenses and live now as though he was the family's only income source. I agreed but I know how difficult it will be. DH has always been very frugal with money so it would not be such a big challenge for him. For me, I see money as a tool to lavish gifts onto those I care about as a outward gesture of my feelings for them. I also like to occasionaly splurge on myself when I am feeling blue. Our different styles of handling money resulted from how we saw our parents dealt with their money over the years. After being married to DH for 6 years, I have adapted some of his frugal manner and he has learnt to be more relaxed about his approach to money. As it is with every married couple, we blend and mould each other, take on each other's characteristics and if we get it right, we become stronger and better individuals due to our marriage.

I asked DH, as my lame way of approaching this disappointment in a light hearted manner if he saw the dark cloud hovering over my head with rain showers, thunder and lightning. He smiled and said, "After the rain, the sky will become clearer, the air fresher and there will be a rainbow."

I smiled feebly. I guess I behaved like a spoilt child. I had fantasized in depth about my ideal life for the past 2 weeks. It made my present life bearable because I told myself, "Hang in there, not much longer now", each time I met an obstacle. Now, the fluffly, wooly carpet that I have been standing on has been roughly yanked from under my feet causing me to fall down hard on my butt! Ouch! I nurse my wounded soul.

What do I do now? Brush the dust off, pick myself up and hope. Hope that one day my fantasy life will come true. Hope that the ugly red number that we got from our budget last night will turn into a jubilant green one after 3 months from now. Hope that if it doesn't, He will give me the peace to accept my life as it is. Hope that He will give me the strength to live the life I have now in a pleasing manner to Him. Hope that above all, I will have the inner joy that I long for.

A pensive start to the New Year

I had started my New Year's eve feeling excited, thinking that DH was off and we could have a nice family day on New Year's Day. However, later yesterday evening, when DH received his duty roster, we discovered that he was on shift duty the whole of today. I was very disappointed and nearly cried.

It's nothing new with DH having to work on public holidays and weekends but somehow, having him work on New Year's Day seemed like such a big blow to me. Maybe I'm just being emotional, it being the end of another year.

We've had a rough year as individuals, as a couple, as parents. I've been melancholy over the last few days of 2008 due to some work situations. It may not be logical but I figured that if we started the New Year together as a family and have a happy day, it will make 2009 a better year, kind of like a sign of things to come.

Therefore, when I realised we won't be having a family day today, it made me worry if this is a sign...does this mean that 2009 will also be another difficult year for us? Having to struggle to find family time together? Having to steal time here and there to reconnect as a couple? Being short tempered and taking out on Osh Osh because we are so stretched ourselves? I really dread the events of 2008 repeating themselves this year.

I know that I shouldn't rely on feelings and emotions, more so when I am low. I also know that I shouldn't interpret DH's absence today as a sign of bad things to come. Yes, it seems very illogical that I should be thinking this way. However, as you can guess, I can't seem to shrug off these negative feelings.

Last night, although DH was tired, we spent some time talking and reflecting on the past year and prayed for the year ahead. DH said, "New Year's Day is just another day, one day out of 365 days. Don't read too much into it".

I hope so. We really need a change for the better this year. I told DH it's so hard to keep feeling beaten and defeated in so many ways, every single day. After our prayer last night, I asked DH to go to sleep first because he looked really tired and I was still quite wound up and couldn't sleep yet. I spent some time checking my email messages. In my inbox was one of the daily Christian devotional messages I subscribed to. It was titled "The Night I Lost All Hope". I sat up straight. It was as though that article was written especially for me.

Here's the final two paragraphs of that devotional written by a mother of a wayward son whom she was praying for. She wanted him to get help and attend a weekly support group meeting in hope that he will turn over a new leaf. That was her hope. He didn't show up for the meeting. She was devastated but here's what she wrote:

"The hope (she's referring to her own hope that her son will change once he attends the meeting) I had lost -- that 1% I'd been clinging to -- was human hope. That kind of hope is in limited quantity, and when it runs out, you are left drained, discouraged, disappointed and ...hopeless! Oh, it may masquerade as "hope," but it is completely different from the hope that God provides. God's hope renews and refreshes. It empowers, uplifts, and strengthens. God's hope does not disappoint! There is an unlimited supply of God's hope.

God knew I had been clinging to human hope, and He knew that last 1% of weak, feeble hope would run out. He wanted me to cling to Him, the God of true, lasting, unlimited hope. So, as I wiped my tears, I waited as the winds of God's hope blew my way. My circumstances were still the same, but my heart was now filled with the hope that only God can provide."

I'm not there yet where this mother has arrived but I pray that somehow I will get there. I have to believe there is hope...