Wholehearted

DH and I celebrated our sixth year wedding anniversary last Friday. We checked ourselves into a local hotel by the river while my parents who are staying with us this week, looked after Osh Osh for us. This is indeed a luxury for us, having this rare opportunity to spend time together.

It's been a good three days two nights stay. We prayed, studied the Bible, talked, went shopping, lazed around, went to the pool and the gym, watched a DVD and of course, made love. We reconnected and recommitted our lives to God. We prayed and spoke honestly about our hurts and disappointments in life. I cried, wrestled with my own disbelief, anger and frustration and spent a lot of time thinking. The end result? Both DH and I have resolved to love God wholeheartedly and to let nothing in our lives become more important than God. DH commented that this is such a tall order but we want to return to God.

When we were watching Facing the Giants, I was so moved by Brooke's struggle with infertility. It touched a very raw part of my life. I was in tears when Brooke told God that she will still love him no matter what, after her doctor's visit and finding out that her pregnancy result was once again, negative. However, as she was about to drive away, the nurse came running out of the clinic to stop her. It turned out that there was a mix up and she was given the wrong information. Brooke was pregnant. She was overjoyed!

I felt envious. I want so much for God to answer my prayers that way! It just seemed to tie up so nicely in the movie. Two years later after her miracle baby, she was pregnant again. It was the ideal happy ending - the infertile couple now has two children! Does God answer our prayers in real life? The answer is yes although we have to accept that His answers may not be the ones we want. However, firstly, we must love God wholeheartedly and hold nothing back. Nothing in our lives, not even the hope of having another child, must be of a higher priority than loving God with all our hearts. We have to trust God that His plans for us are for our ultimate good.

We have been studying the Bible using the study guide in the DVD. It prompted us to have a very honest look at our own lives and where we have strayed. I did not come to the conclusion in the paragraph above easily. When DH said that we are to love God no matter what, even if it means we may never have another child, I sobbed uncontrollably. My eyes are starting to tear as I am writing this.

However, I know that I have put my own desire of having another child above loving and serving God with all my heart. It is because I want one so much! I do not have the answers as to why God has not answered our prayer with a yes or whether He will ever say yes to this.

What I do know is that I am taking a step of faith in saying that I will love God no matter what. No matter how many months or even years of disappointments lie ahead, no matter how many times I cry myself to sleep at nights, no matter how many times I have to put up a brave front when others ask me why we are not having another child, no matter how many times I feel angry and frustrated...no matter what...I love God with all my heart.

God spoke and my nonsense

I know my title for this post doesn't make sense to you right now but bear with me. It's about two separate incidents which happened this weekend. On a first glimpse, they look completely unrelated but if you give it some thought, you would find the corelation there.

First incident happened yesterday (Saturday) evening. DH and I attended our second cell group meeting at one of the cell member's home. This cell member happened to be hosting a charismatic speaker/evangelist from the US at their home. So, it was only natural that they asked him to share the word of God with us during this meeting. He is a man filled with God's love and wisdom and had the gift of prophesy and healing.

Towards the end of his sharing, he looked at DH and said "I'm not a Christian fortune teller but I know that you are seeking the Lord." He went on to say that DH is an intelligent man who reads and studies a lot. He said DH lives his life by thinking and using his intellect and also, DH leaves the spiritual stuff to his wife. He then looked at me and asked, "You are his wife, aren't you?" All of us started to laugh as earlier, he was sharing about convicting someone of committing sexual immorality. We assured him that we are indeed legally married!

He went on to advise DH that in order for him to seek God, he has to put aside his intellect and let God fill him. He didn't say exactly how but DH later shared with me that he knows what he needs to do. He needs to surrender every aspect of his life to God and to trust him more.

I asked DH if he was cynical. He said at first, yes but he truly believes that God indeed spoke to him through this speaker. I was also amazed that DH actually asked for healing for his stiff neck and shoulder and he was healed! All in all, I am hopeful that DH will find the peace that he is looking for in God.

The second incident happened just this afternoon after Osh Osh and I came home from church. DH is working all day today. I was showering Osh Osh and we started talking about his behaviour. He's been quite difficult these past few days and both DH and I have been getting very angry at him frequently. He asked me if I still love him. I said yes. He said, "But you don't love my nonsense?" I said no. "You don't like me being naughty?". My reply was again "No".

"But you still love me?"

"Yes"

"Why?"

"Because you are my son".

I then went on to explain that God loves him too but God doesn't like his naughty behaviour. Osh Osh asked why. I gave him the same reason that it's because he's God's son. He said "But God is not my Daddy." I said God is not his earth daddy but his daddy in heaven. He then exclaimed, " I love God, my Super Flying Daddy in the sky!" Ok, I know I need to explain it to him better but this is a good start.

Then, he looked at me and surprised me by saying, "I love you, Mummy even if you have nonsense." That simple statement struck me. That's how God loves me. His love is forever there for me despite my nonsense. I may screw up in life over and over again but the only constant thing is that He loves me.

I am humbled by the fact that God chose my own son to speak to me at that moment. Just like how DH was surprised by the word of knowledge the speaker had for him, I was truly moved that my son's Super Flying Daddy in the sky used him to speak to his full of nonsense Mummy.