What's my Voice?

I recently attended a writing seminar conducted by Philip Yancey. Yes, the Philip Yancey who wrote books like "Where is God when It Hurts?" and "Prayer - Does it Make Any Difference?". His style of writing is different from your typical Christian writer. There are no catchy punchy short sentences like the books by Max Lucado. He does not write lengthy sentences filled with scriptures, theological references and ideology. Rather, he writes from a very realistic viewpoint and dissects the issue as a journalist would because that was his profession before he became a full time writer. He writes not because he's an expert on the topic but rather, his "voice" is of one who asks questions that everyone in the pew is thinking but dare not ask.

He explained that he wrote "Prayer-Does it Make any Difference?" not because he spends 4 hours a day on his knees praying but rather that this is one of his weakest areas in his walk of faith. He said that his purpose for writing each book is for himself. It's a self discovery process where as he writes, he researches the issue until he learns something. He loves interviewing people and finding out their thoughts on the topic. Then he will try to put it all together and make sense of it. However, for his book on prayer, the views of his interviewees were so diverse, he felt that it was better to leave the individuals' thoughts as side-bars in order not to lose the gist of it. It worked because his readers felt a strong connection to the book. They had the "a-ha" moment in that when they read a story or two that touched them about prayer, it made them feel less alone and less inadequate. They felt that they were understood by someone else in this big crazy world.

What stuck with me for days since this writing seminar is when Philip said, "The success to writing comes when you find your voice, your genuine voice of who you really are". He already shared what his "voice" was. One of the attendees shared that she wrote a book on singlehood. So, Philip said, "That's your voice. Just make sure you don't get married until your book sales proceeds reach its first million! Otherwise, you would have lost your voice and would no longer be genuine." Others stood up to share their voices. "I'm a mother coping with a child of special needs." "I'm a manager who wants to improve the corporate structure and morale that I work in." "I'm a happy-go-lucky young adult struggling to keep a deep dark secret hidden." "I'm a pastor who wants to stir the church up into a strong spiritual movement." The list goes on.

I felt inadequate. A lot of the attendees have published books. A lot of them have found their voices. I wanted to shout out, "Yes, I know what my voice is!" but I couldn't. The truth is I don't know what my voice is. Am I supposed to be a working mother who juggles between her role of a corporate employee and loving Mummy? Or am I a faithful and supportive wife to my husband? At one point of time, I had thought my voice was that of one dealing with secondary infertility. However, the recent change of events have taken away that voice but there are no regrets. I'm all too glad to carry this miracle baby inside me.

Am I genuine to myself when I say I'm the voice of a modern Christian woman who struggles to make sense of it all? Is that voice too common? Is it too cliché? I don’t have the answer yet and yes, it does keep me up on certain nights. Amazing, isn't it, that such a thought can nag at you?

Maybe my voice is that of a Christian woman who writes about finding her voice? What do you think? Could that work?

Big thoughts, little thoughts

It has been more than a month since my last post. I realise that it's harder to come back and write something here when I've been away from it for longer than my usual spell. I have many thoughts and experiences over the past month that I am dying to share but it's all bottled up inside and I don't really know how to start. So, I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind, hence the title "Big thoughts, little thoughts".

1. A big change - we have moved house! It was exhilarating, fulfilling and yet extremely stressful. I hope this is a keeper as I don't want to move again…at least not for a few decades! We couldn't have done it without the loving support of both sets of parents. There is a lot of adjustment given the new surroundings. Finding the right light switch in the middle of the night is still challenging! DH asked me the other evening when Osh Osh was happily playing in the nearby playground, "So, is this worth the price we paid for the house?" My reply was "No" and I went on to explain that we now have a big mortgage to pay off. That's the practical "me" talking. I then smiled and DH understood that I agreed with him that it's worth the money to see Osh Osh so happy. The move for us represents the next phase in our lives, leaving the past hurts and ugly memories behind and moving forward to a better life.

2. We survived Chinese New Year and lived to talk about it! Okay, it's not that bad but this is the first Chinese New Year where my inlaws travelled with us to stay at my parents' home for 10 days. That has never happened before and I was worried if it would turn out disastrous. What was I thinking when I asked them to come along with us? Did I suffer a momentary lapse of sanity? Yes, they get along but they get along better when they only see each other once every few months and are only under the same roof for not more than a few hours. 10 days…that's phenomenal. However, DH and I felt that this was the right thing to do. My inlaws needed a break and my parents wanted us to be home for the holidays. We prayed a lot about it and throughout the stay as well. There were moments when it was touch and go and I was thinking, "Oh no! Will everything fall apart?" God blessed our intentions and the stay was without any adverse consequences. I'm not saying that there has been a tremendous improvement in their relationship with each other but it's a good start in the right direction. Nevertheless, I told DH, "Let's think about doing this again…6 years from now!"

3. Bringing up Osh Osh. Osh Osh has grown leaps and bounds in the past few months. His physical stature is that of an older boy beyond his natural age. I can't carry him anymore because it would hurt my back. There are still times when he wants to be carried especially when it's at the end of the day and he's feeling very tired. He understands why I can't carry him and after some persuasion, he will carry on walking on his own without any fuss. If Daddy is there, he will cling to Daddy's leg and not let Daddy walk away without carrying him. Daddy always gives in to him! Osh Osh has a large appetite for learning new things. I have to keep up with him as he asks me new things every day and I sometimes end up saying, " I don't know!" God has blessed him with the love for music. Osh Osh sings and plays tunes on his keyboard every day. Last night, he told me he wanted to teach me a new church song and sang, "Jesus is my Lord, Jesus is my everything" and asked me to sing along with him. It warms my heart to see God at work in his life. I pray that he will continue to grow well in the Lord and touch the lives of others.

4. God is good all the time! This is a phrase which Christians overuse,sometimes flippantly. More often than not, we do not really believe it. At least, not when it's applied to our lives personally. We are happy to wish it to others but when someone tells us that God is good to us all the time, we find that hard to swallow. That's how I viewed it. I went through so many periods of unanswered prayers in my life. The unbearable silence. The endless waiting hours, days, weeks, months, years. A sense of being lost and abandoned. Hopelessness. Despair. Anger. Darkness. Last Sunday's sermon was an incredible eye-opener for me. It was a simple sermon. God answers prayers. The answers may not be what we're expecting but He answers our petitions and cries for help. We have to believe Him, live according to His will and persevere. Do not give up hope. Just keep praying even when you are at your last straw. DH and I keep telling ourselves to pray for our difficult issues…just pray for one more day. When the next day comes, pray again. The pastor was saying, "So, you believe Him and you live and pray according to His will and yet there is silence. What happened?" He explained that he doesn't have all the answers but there may be a lapse of time/hinderance/obstacle in the spiritual world which prevents us from seeing the answers immediately in our present physical world. It doesn't mean that the answer is lost in transmission. It just takes longer to get to us. Once the answer arrives and if it's not the one that we hoped for, it doesn't mean that God is against us. He has other plans or it's not the right time or maybe we are not to know the answer in this life. I don't know but what I do know is that He has answered our prayers and will keep answering them.

5. Spring, summer, autumn or winter? Which season of marriage are we in now? I think we're in the summer stage. We are definitely not in the spring "new love, new hopes and excitement" stage. Neither are we in the winter stage of coldness, bitterness and despair although at one point of our marriage a few years ago, we were in the deepest depths of winter. As for autumn - a season of changes, somewhat cold and uncertain, we were also there before but we have come a long way since then. So why summer? Summer is always a busy time with lots of activities. That succinctly describes our lives now. It's a fun time and that's what we're experiencing in our parenting experience with Osh Osh at the moment. It's also a very busy time for us in our careers. I am aware of the dangers of being so busy. We compromise quality couple time to meet other commitments. We may neglect each other's needs, be less sensitive, more irritable and more prone to take each other for granted. I know that both of us will do what we can to prevent a season change unless of course, it means moving into spring! Do you think that's possible? There is always hope...

And my last thought for this post…

Write till I drop! I've not been writing for at least a month now and each day, I have this feeling that something is missing. I recently submitted 2 articles to the parenting website that I've been writing for these past few months. It's a start but I know it's not enough. What do I really want to write about? That is something I have to dig deep into my soul and patiently listen to its quiet promptings. Muse, I am waiting…speak now!

Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life!

This sentence struck me as I woke up this morning. The voice in my head wasn't saying it in a nice welcoming way. Rather, it sounded like the voice of Death himself. "The beginning of the rest of my life" at this point of time is akin a dungeon pit to me, filled with darkness and grimly beings and I am in the centre of it all, with my life being slowly sucked out of me in a painfully agonizing manner.

The background to my tale of doom and gloom starts with the resignation of a colleague at work. I had a very difficult meeting with my manager yesterday. It was a one sided conversation with me hitting a brick wall at each and every turn. After the meeting, I felt demoralized. I have been given added responsibilities which promises increased stress at work and longer hours. On top of that, I lack support both from my manager and the rest of the team. I told DH that I am overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness. Everyone is looking out for themselves and at my expense. I feel trampled, squashed like a bug.

I asked God what He wants me to do at this stage of my life. Do I stick it out here, do my best at work and trust that He will give me the strength to face the challenges that lie ahead without sacrificing my time with my family? Alternatively, does He want me to trust Him to provide for our needs in particular the new mortgage payments and I will move on to find something less stressful and demanding? I don't have any answers and neither do I have a sense of peace in this matter.

On the flip side, I know God has blessed my family and I with many things. We have developed good friendships with the people in our church cell group. Coincidentally enough, last Saturday's meeting touched on loneliness and how God is still in the midst of our loneliness. Nothing catches Him by surprise. He is holding us in his hands when we go through such dark periods.

I started my writing course in February last year. A year later, I am a regular writer on a local parenting webzine with a large regional readership. I have definitely come a long way since the beginning of my writing course. Unfortunately, the thing I love doing doesn't pay the bills. All the writing books I've read advised me not to give up my day job. Write in the midst of your struggles. Make the bad times work for you. Use them as material for your writing. No time to write? Write whenever you can. In the train, in the bathroom, while waiting for your computer to boot up, when your son is playing with his toys, write within your daily routine and amongst the numerous mundane activities that you do. Just write!

That's what I'm doing now. It keeps me sane even if it doesn't make me rich. Well, maybe it does but not in the material sense. I am richer in that writing frees my soul, allowing me to sing my songs of life and hopefully, touches the souls of others too.

Is it just a symbol?

DH and I had a fight last night. What about? The significance of New Year's Eve and the start of the New Year. I know what you're thinking - what a ridiculous topic to fight about!

DH would not be home tonight for New Year's eve because he will be working. I wanted to have some quality time with him last night, so as to replace our time apart tonight. However, DH had a very busy day at work and running errands that he was tired. After dinner, he had to call our contractor to discuss some problems with the house renovations. He then had to discuss these issues with his father so that he can go over to the house and monitor the workers as we will not be able to do so.

When DH was finally free, I had dozed off. When I woke up about half an hour later, I felt really upset. The evening didn't turn out as I had hoped. I wanted an evening where both DH and I could sit on the sofa and reflect about how our year has been. It was not the best time to bring this up to DH but I did. He said that New Year's eve is just another day for him.It's no different than any other day. There's still work to be done, stresses of life to deal with and the problems that we have won't just go away with the clock striking 12 at midnight.

I told him that it meant a lot to me because I see it as a time to find release and to let all the pain, disappointments, anger and frustrations end with 2009 and to move into 2010 with a new and fresh outlook, filled with hope and joyous expectations.

To DH, New Year's eve and New Year's day are just symbols. Life goes on as per normal for him.

I agree now that what DH said made a lot of sense but given my agitated state of mind last night, I felt aggrieved that we had not spent a picturesque evening, talking about our recollection of the events of 2009 and our hopes and aspirations for 2010.

So, I went to bed, sulking and DH went to bed, irritated and frustrated with me.

This morning, I woke up calmer and somewhat embarrassed with the way I overreacted last night about this whole "New Year's eve, New Year's day" fuss. DH gave me a hug and a kiss in the kitchen before he left for work, wishing me "Happy New Year". I replied saying, "Why say it since it has no meaning for you?" He grinned and said, "It's important to you so I'm saying it."

After DH left for work, the words "new every morning" came to my mind and prompted me to look up this verse in the Bible.

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23"

The author of the book of Lamentations was in a sorrowful state of mourning. Amazingly enough, these verses of hope and encouragement lie within this book. He doesn't tell us to ignore our pain and suffering and to just put on a happy face and cheer up. Rather, in a very realistic outlook, he told us not to give up hope but to remember the faithfulness of God. We are given a new chance in life every morning.

This means that we don't have to wait until next New Year's Eve to make resolutions to be a better person and to live a better life. We can resolve to do it every day!

True, as DH said, the end of 2009 will not make all our problems miraculously disappear. We will definitely still end up being hurt, angry and disappointed with each other and with the people and events around us. There will still be difficult times, sad moments and lonely periods.

However, with the start of every day, there is hope for something better. With each day, God gives us a treasured opportunity to live our best, to love and to learn from Him. This is a privilege we all have and it's not just restricted to December 31 or January 1 of every year.

On that note, a hopeful toast to everyone for a new beginning for every single day in 2010!

Clutter and me

Today I stared at fear in the face and said, "I'm not afraid of you. I want you out of my house!" Fear looked back at me and laughed mockingly, "Well, let's see what you've got, little girl!"

That was the clutter in our storeroom talking to me. I didn't want to tackle clearing out the storeroom but unfortunately, time is not exactly on our side. Yes, we're only moving at the end of next month, provided that there are no more hiccups with the renovation works but I only have time to pack our things into boxes on some Fridays and weekends. It's difficult to pack during weekday evenings as that's the time we reconnect as a family, with Osh Osh telling us all about the things he did in school and DH and I catching up with each other after a long work day.

Back to my nemesis, Clutter. I was determined not to let it get the better of me. After all, what is Clutter? It's just stuff that we can't let go off. We let it sit in our homes and take up unnecessary space. Every now and again, it mocks us when we catch sight of it, saying, "I know you hate me but you can't bring yourself to get rid of me!"

Armed with plastic bags and boxes, I bravely entered our storeroom and started to weave my way through the messy pile. Some items were given the loving treatment i.e. wiped clean and stored in boxes to be brought over to our new placce. Other items were packed into boxes to be given away to Salvation Army. Th third category of stuff wasn't so lucky. They were ruthlessly placed into plastic bags and headed straight to the bin!

After a few long tiring hours, I was nearing the completion of my task. Clutter no longer had a hold on me. I am free! Or am I? As expected, Clutter wasn't going to give up that easily without a fight. Clutter knew my weakest point and went in for the kill. As I was packing baby items to be given away, Clutter whispered in my ear, "Are you sure you want to give these away? You may get pregnant next year. These could come in handy." I sat down on the floor, amidst the boxes, and started to cry. Should I hold on to these items, in the hope that I could use them again one day? Or should I just let go and give them away to someone else who is already expecting a child?

I plucked up enough courage to stand up, wash my face and resumed packing those items in the boxes to be given away. I'm not giving up hope that one day, I may conceive a child. However, I don't want to spend my "here and now" waiting and holding on to things that are painful reminders, unable to let go. After all, these are just things. It's time to make a clean start.

Clutter was surprised. That wasn't an outcome it expected. It didn't have a fighting chance now and my mission was completed. I am now typing this while having a hot cup of tea, legs propped up on a footstool, feeling tired but with a sense of accomplishment.

A word of caution, both to myself and to others who intend to declutter. If you are not diligent and let your guard down, Clutter will return with a vengeance. So, always ask yourself if you need the item again within a year, whether it enriches your life or simplify your living. Be wary as Clutter can diguise itself as one of these items so be very honest with yourself when you ask these questions and have the resolute to act on your decisions.

I still have other siblings of Clutter lurking in the other rooms of our house. I will have to tackle them another day. If you don't hear from me again before Christmas, rest assured that I am ok. I will not let Clutter win!

God bless all of you! Have a joyous Christmas and a fulfilling start to the year ahead!