What's my Voice?

I recently attended a writing seminar conducted by Philip Yancey. Yes, the Philip Yancey who wrote books like "Where is God when It Hurts?" and "Prayer - Does it Make Any Difference?". His style of writing is different from your typical Christian writer. There are no catchy punchy short sentences like the books by Max Lucado. He does not write lengthy sentences filled with scriptures, theological references and ideology. Rather, he writes from a very realistic viewpoint and dissects the issue as a journalist would because that was his profession before he became a full time writer. He writes not because he's an expert on the topic but rather, his "voice" is of one who asks questions that everyone in the pew is thinking but dare not ask.

He explained that he wrote "Prayer-Does it Make any Difference?" not because he spends 4 hours a day on his knees praying but rather that this is one of his weakest areas in his walk of faith. He said that his purpose for writing each book is for himself. It's a self discovery process where as he writes, he researches the issue until he learns something. He loves interviewing people and finding out their thoughts on the topic. Then he will try to put it all together and make sense of it. However, for his book on prayer, the views of his interviewees were so diverse, he felt that it was better to leave the individuals' thoughts as side-bars in order not to lose the gist of it. It worked because his readers felt a strong connection to the book. They had the "a-ha" moment in that when they read a story or two that touched them about prayer, it made them feel less alone and less inadequate. They felt that they were understood by someone else in this big crazy world.

What stuck with me for days since this writing seminar is when Philip said, "The success to writing comes when you find your voice, your genuine voice of who you really are". He already shared what his "voice" was. One of the attendees shared that she wrote a book on singlehood. So, Philip said, "That's your voice. Just make sure you don't get married until your book sales proceeds reach its first million! Otherwise, you would have lost your voice and would no longer be genuine." Others stood up to share their voices. "I'm a mother coping with a child of special needs." "I'm a manager who wants to improve the corporate structure and morale that I work in." "I'm a happy-go-lucky young adult struggling to keep a deep dark secret hidden." "I'm a pastor who wants to stir the church up into a strong spiritual movement." The list goes on.

I felt inadequate. A lot of the attendees have published books. A lot of them have found their voices. I wanted to shout out, "Yes, I know what my voice is!" but I couldn't. The truth is I don't know what my voice is. Am I supposed to be a working mother who juggles between her role of a corporate employee and loving Mummy? Or am I a faithful and supportive wife to my husband? At one point of time, I had thought my voice was that of one dealing with secondary infertility. However, the recent change of events have taken away that voice but there are no regrets. I'm all too glad to carry this miracle baby inside me.

Am I genuine to myself when I say I'm the voice of a modern Christian woman who struggles to make sense of it all? Is that voice too common? Is it too cliché? I don’t have the answer yet and yes, it does keep me up on certain nights. Amazing, isn't it, that such a thought can nag at you?

Maybe my voice is that of a Christian woman who writes about finding her voice? What do you think? Could that work?

Get the juices flowing!

I miss writing. It's as though a part of me is lying dormant, waiting to be resurrected. Unfortunately, my creative juices seem to be frozen at the moment. My sixth writing assignment looks at me in the face, as though taunting me, telling me, "I'm still waiting...are you ever going to get me completed?"

I guess life's busyness got in the way. My daily schedule revolves around work and Osh Osh. My personal time with DH has suffered because of our respective schedules. There is also the additional busyness that comes with the renovation of the new home, the planning and the packing (something I am doing bit by bit at the speed of a worn out snail!).

When I think about all the things that needs to be done before the year end, I have to strongly resist the urge to run away, tearing my hair out and screaming like a mad woman or diving under the covers and staying in bed and not move a muscle, praying that the chores won't hunt me out!

We all know that thinking about things just makes them seem more insurmountable. The tasks at hand aren't all that difficult. I just need to focus, get off my butt and do one small thing at a time. Why is that so hard? Is it all in my mind?

DH asked me to be realistic and not kill myself by all my thinking. He said I think too much about the things that I need not think about and think too little about the things I should be putting my mind to work on. This was actually said in jest but I admit there is definitely truth in his words.

I agree that I have to be realistic. I have to put my writing on hold for now and focus on making the move to the new place as easy and as pleasant as possible. So having said that, I'm getting off this chair now and move my butt to get some decluttering done!

Sadness

I only have time to write when I am sick? That's not good, is it? Which part, you ask? Being sick so often or not being able to find time to write? Both! I have so many thoughts in my head all the time on things to write about but am unable to pen them down. Last night, I told DH that I wanted to write an article about toe nails! I know it's a flippant idea but who knows what it might lead to? To give DH credit, he didn't laugh and actually took me seriously!

The doctor at the clinic told me that my immunity is low due to stress which is why I'm so prone to coughs and colds. Sigh. I've heard this advice before. I know I should slow down or maybe even stop work for a while. However, I can't bring myself to do so. I feel that if I stop work, I will putting such a big burden on DH financially and it just doesn't seem fair that I don't do my part for the family.

A good friend recently wrote this to me, "I sense sadness in your blogging, think it's not just one particular thing, but life being ... awfully complicated." I've been thinking a lot about what she wrote. Does life for me have to be so awfully complicated? Or is it just my own doing?

DH is very supportive of my idea of stopping work and just taking time out for myself, to focus on my writing course and spend more time with Osh Osh. I feel that I am selfish if I take him up on his offer as he can't quit his job. It's very tiring for him to work and study at the same time as his working hours are long. It is very difficult for him when he is often torn between wanting to spend time with us and studying as his exams are so near. He keeps a lot to himself as he doesn't want me to see how stressed and pressured he is. It just doesn't feel right for me to indulge in my own pursuits and be happy whereas he barely has time to sleep.

So, yes, I am making life complicated for myself. Work takes out a lot of me and the challenges I face there are often overwhelming. I'm not happy with my current working life and that's where most of my time is spent. Should I take up DH's offer? Is this the right thing for me to do? Would God consent to this? Or am I just being a whiny spoilt child, shrugging the responsibilities of life?

I don't have any answers today.

Jitters!

I know, I know... I don't write for weeks and now, I am posting another blog post! What has gotten into me??

This is a short one. I'm on a writing overdrive today. I blogged earlier, replied some personal email messages and here's the biggie! I completed my first assignment for my writers' course and sent the articles to my tutors. Boy, am I nervous! What would they say? Would they be kind? Would they "massacre" my work? If I were to bite my fingernails, I would have bloody hands now!

I was asked to hand in two short articles (between 300 to 500 words). The first one is to tell them why I want to write and what benefits I am seeking to gain from the course. The second part is to write a story (first person account) on an interesting event like a concert, a fair or a sporting event. Guess what I chose? I wrote about a fictional art and crafts fair at Osh Osh's school! I wonder if they will find that interesting. Anyway, I am too embarrassed, protective and even supersitious to share what I wrote with all of you. I don't want to jinx it! Am I making sense?

However, I promise that when I receive my tutors' comments, I will let you know the outcome. If they are good (or mildly humiliating but leaving my dignity in tact), I'll share my articles with you. ;)

Have a good weekend, everyone!

Letting go and starting a new adventure

The decision to let go of something that's been with you for a long time (in this instance, 5 years) is never an easy one to make. You started the relationship, developed and nurtured it to its optimal potential and then painfully watch it deteriorate despite your efforts of keeping it alive. It breaks your heart to the point that you have to get a firm grip of yourself and say enough is enough. You just have to be resolute to make the decision to end it and move on.

Before I am flooded by email messages and phone calls from concerned friends, I'm not referring to my marriage with DH! Now, everyone, pause for a sigh of relief. I'm referring to an online business venture which I started 5 years ago. I was excited about its potential and eagerly worked on it with all my heart and soul. The business never brought me a steady income but I kept telling myself to keep it running, in hope that things will turn around. For the past year and a half, there were virtually no customers but I still incurred the cost of keeping the venture alive.

So, after having a long chat with a friend/adviser on Tuesday night, about the pros and cons of maintaining the business or ceasing its operations, I've made the decision to end it. It's painful but it's better to let it go, both for my financial and mental health. Otherwise, it will be a constant reminder of how I've failed and a stumbling block preventing me from moving on.

On that night itself, I've also made a decision to start something new. It's not a rebound, like when you start a relationship with a new person after you've ended a painful one with your existing partner, in order to replace the comfort and warmth that you miss so much. You close your eyes and persuade yourself to believe this time, it will work even though you know the new person is not the right fit for you. No, this is something I've always wanted to do but haven't got the guts or confidence to take the first step to embark on it. DH is fully supportive of this. He's the one who found the ad in the newspaper last month and has been encouraging me since; to just sign on and get started.

You would have laughed at me if you knew how many times I took the credit card out from my wallet and put it back in! I walked to and fro in the room, struggling internally to make up my mind. Deep down inside, I know this is what I want to do, something that excites me but I have this fear that I will not be able to see it through given how stretched I am with my job and family commitments. In a moment of clarity, I realised that my only obstacle is my own self doubt. If I don't give myself a chance to see where this will take me, who would??

I finally made the payment at around 11pm in the quiet of the night, as though I needed to do this in the privacy of my room without any prying eyes! I signed up for an online writing course. It's flexible distance learning and the course fees are very reasonable. I'm allowed 4 years to complete the course of 30 modules and if I don't earn the course fee back during that time, I get a full refund (there are conditions, of course! The primary one is that I submit my writing to legitimate publications and provide evidence that the works were rejected despite my efforts to get published). I'm not concerned about earning back my course fees or even getting published. I just want to have a personal breakthrough and put my best foot forward on this endeavour. It would definitely be exciting and challenging and I'm sure there will be moments of heartache and frustration just like any meaningful path in life that you fully commit yourself to.

The end result, my goal? I want to look at myself in the mirror at the end of this course and say, "I'm proud of you. You worked hard and now, you've proven to yourself that you are a writer." It would be nice to be able to earn a living from it too but that is an added blessing and not my motivation for this life adventure of mine.

PS: I have started reading Modules 1 and 2 of the course in the train on my way to work today.