Unwired and docked off!

I did a very brave thing. I didn't bring my work laptop home this weekend. I can't remember the last time I didn't have it with me over the weekend. What's more mind blowing for me is that I didn't switch on my home desktop for the entire weekend. I didn't read my personal email messages. I didn't play around with Facebook. I didn't surf the net and read what's on Christianity Today or Oprah.com. I didn't visit any of the Christian forums or writing websites. I was completely unwired and docked off! Amazing!

To most of you, you're thinking, "What's the big deal?"

However, if you have been following my blog, you would know that I have issues on maintaining a work life balance. I always bring work home with me. I log on at nights and weekends to tend to work requests from the other offices in different time zones. I seem to be working all the time. When I am not physically in front of my laptop, my mind is filled with anxiety about work. I am never fully mentally there when I am spending time with DH and Osh Osh.

It was hard for me this weekend not to think about work. It's like my recent attempt of giving up coffee which didn't go too well. I would feel that something important is missing and the day's not quite right until I have my cup of coffee. I would feel edgy, grumpy and restless. Sometimes, I would have headaches. I often joke with my colleagues that it's like a cocaine addict having the shakes!

So, what took the place of my online time this weekend? I had good quality time with Osh Osh as I wasn't preoccupied with work. I didn’t use my normal phrase of "Not now, Mummy has to work" with him throughout the entire weekend. DH and I spent more time praying together and reading His word. All of us had a luxuriously long afternoon nap yesterday. We went for evening walks. Osh Osh was happy. I felt that I was more "there" with DH and Osh Osh. Yes, admittedly, there were times during the weekend that my mind strayed and wandered to work but I told myself that work can wait till Monday. I consciously brought my mind back to the present moment. When Osh Osh was happily playing and explaining to me what he was doing, I listened attentively, asked questions and played with him. DH and I laughed more this weekend. Yes, I was irritated with him about some minor issues but I explained my reasons for them. He in return, told me that he was irritated with me too. Nevertheless, we had time to talk about it and as a result, we understood each other better and our irritation with each other didn't escalate into a full blown fight.

Will I do this again this weekend? Yes, most definitely! I will however, have my laptop with me because I will be working from home on Friday. Nonetheless, come close of business day Friday, I will be officially offline. It's a small step but it's a step in the right direction!

Sadness

I only have time to write when I am sick? That's not good, is it? Which part, you ask? Being sick so often or not being able to find time to write? Both! I have so many thoughts in my head all the time on things to write about but am unable to pen them down. Last night, I told DH that I wanted to write an article about toe nails! I know it's a flippant idea but who knows what it might lead to? To give DH credit, he didn't laugh and actually took me seriously!

The doctor at the clinic told me that my immunity is low due to stress which is why I'm so prone to coughs and colds. Sigh. I've heard this advice before. I know I should slow down or maybe even stop work for a while. However, I can't bring myself to do so. I feel that if I stop work, I will putting such a big burden on DH financially and it just doesn't seem fair that I don't do my part for the family.

A good friend recently wrote this to me, "I sense sadness in your blogging, think it's not just one particular thing, but life being ... awfully complicated." I've been thinking a lot about what she wrote. Does life for me have to be so awfully complicated? Or is it just my own doing?

DH is very supportive of my idea of stopping work and just taking time out for myself, to focus on my writing course and spend more time with Osh Osh. I feel that I am selfish if I take him up on his offer as he can't quit his job. It's very tiring for him to work and study at the same time as his working hours are long. It is very difficult for him when he is often torn between wanting to spend time with us and studying as his exams are so near. He keeps a lot to himself as he doesn't want me to see how stressed and pressured he is. It just doesn't feel right for me to indulge in my own pursuits and be happy whereas he barely has time to sleep.

So, yes, I am making life complicated for myself. Work takes out a lot of me and the challenges I face there are often overwhelming. I'm not happy with my current working life and that's where most of my time is spent. Should I take up DH's offer? Is this the right thing for me to do? Would God consent to this? Or am I just being a whiny spoilt child, shrugging the responsibilities of life?

I don't have any answers today.

Something's got to give

I just came out of Osh Osh's room. Sat there for a while, watching him sleep. I had to hold back my tears.

It's been a stressful 2 days for me. Work has been particularly demanding and my superiors have been doubting my judgment calls which makes it a very difficult environment to work in.

Osh Osh's school is closed for 2 days due to their annual spring cleaning so he's at home with me while I try to do my work. I asked my inlaws to come over and help but it didn't turn out well. They try to help and have good intentions but Osh Osh has been very clingy to me these past 2 days.

For example, this morning as I was typing on my notebook, the phone rang and someone from work wanted to discuss something with me. Then Osh Osh came over to the dining table where I was seated and kept asking me to play with him. My inlaws were trying their best to tend to him but he raised his voice and kept asking for me. It was so frustrating and my colleague could hear all the commotion that was going on. So, finally, I had to hang up and scolded Osh Osh for behaving so badly. Argh, I am so frustrated and drained.

I just feel so overwhelmed and stretched! It's as though I'm going to collapse under this heavy load of juggling work and family. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Expectations of me at work have increased because everyone is expected to deliver more given the current economic crisis and also company reorganization. As a result of my work stress, I'm short tempered with Osh Osh, DH and my inlaws. Everyone just seems so miserable now.

Something's got to give...is it my job or my family? If I give up my job, does it mean I'm giving up "my life", the life I have other than being DH's wife and Osh Osh's Mummy? If I "give up" my family, I would hate myself for it. How do I decide?

Perception

Perception :

1. the ability to see, hear, or become aware of something through the senses.

2 the process of perceiving.

3 a way of understanding or interpreting something.

4 intuitive understanding and insight.

I extracted the above defintion from the Oxford Dictionary.

Why am I emphasizing this word? Due to a series of communications and meetings at work, I've been perceived in a way that has been negative and possibly detrimental to my appraisal at the year end.

The upper management has taken the view that I am not keen or proactive enough when it comes to my work. They feel that I should be carving out my personal time at home to make calls to my counterparts in other time zones in order to expedite matters.

That is their perception.

I believe I work hard. I put in the extra hours. I'm efficient and I act quickly, promptly and decisively.

However, I've not been one to promote myself in public. I'm one of those who do the work quietly and resolve matters on my own without making a big fuss of things.

So, what do I do now? I've been feeling low and demoralized by these comments and feedback as I have been working so hard for the past few months, fire fighting issues for the company in relation to what's been happening in the world economy. Colleagues have suggested that I have a face to face session with my manager and inform her that I don't think her perceptions and those of her superiors are right.

I'd better start thinking about writing a fabulous advertorial to start "selling" me the right way??

We love Mondays!

Mondays…how we love them!

Seriously, my work day today has been busy but it's not as bad as I had feared. Late last week, I found out from my manager that I am to take on extra work from another department who had lost some people, in order to give them a helping hand. I had told my manager that I'm already swamped as it is but it appeared from my discussion with her on Friday that this came from top management and her hands are tied. So, she is to offer a "volunteer" and yours truly is that volunteer. Doesn't sound like a lot of free will is being practised here, does it?

Anyway, I spoke to the manager of the other department and asked her what their area of need is and what her expectations are of this volunteer. She said she has not firmed up plans yet and will engage her team in a separate conversation about this and I am allowed some say in it as well. So, all in all, it's not been decided yet and since there are no firm facts as to how much time and energy I have to commit to my new found volunteer work, I will not think, fret and worry about it now.

On a lighter note, I was having lunch with my younger colleague (by 10 years!) today and as part of our casual "fill in the time" lunch chat, she asked me when I'm planning to have my second child. She kept saying that since Osh Osh is now 3 years old , I should get my act together and conceive another one ASAP! I then asked her what are her own plans? She has a steady boyfriend whom she will marry in 3 years' time (as they both want to concentrate on their careers now) and after they marry, they want to have some child free years together then she will seek a doctor's help to conceive a pair of twins (and it better be a boy and a girl!) so she doesn't have to go through pregnancy too many times.

"Kids" nowadays, what are they thinking?!! (saying this tongue in cheek) I always thought that one will only seek medical/fertility assistance when one cannot conceive a child the normal way and NOT to "customize" your pregnancy.

What do you think?