Breastfeeding isn't for wimps!

Breastfeeding is hard. More so when you are a wimp like me!

I came across this quotation in one of the writing newsletters I receive weekly. It's from an author named Charles Peguy who said, "A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket." When he wrote that, he was thinking of how some writers can conjure up stories without blinking an eyelid whereas others will have to work through many sleepless nights just to make a paragraph work.

I thought the quote was quite apt in relation to my breastfeeding experience. Yes, it is hard for every nursing mother but a lot of them take it in good stride and can see the big picture clearly (that they are giving the best for their babies) and persevere. For me, I feel that it is like tearing something out of my gut without any anaesthesia. I have tried to make it work and with a lot of support and encouragement, I have managed to breastfeed Little Burpette for almost 4 months despite enduring painful blocked ducts, thrush, lack of milk supply together with emotional and mental turmoil.

So, why throw in the towel now? It's the isolation.

As Little Burpette only nurses well when she lies on my breastfeeding pillow (it's a big rounded boomerang shaped pillow which sits nicely around your waist. Hence, not very travel friendly!) in my room, I don't get to spend time with DH and Osh Osh. Yes, they do come up and sit around with me for a while but Osh Osh gets bored and wants to go and play with his toys or read his books. As for DH, he often needs to do other things around the house as well as keep Osh Osh company and get him ready for bed.

I miss out on dinner time with them. I miss out on play time. I miss out on just relaxing in the hall with them. I miss out on tucking Osh Osh in at nights. I miss out on seeing him leave for school in the mornings. My inlaws come over every evening to help out which is great but it means I am confined to my room when it comes to nursing time. I am just too conservative to whip out my breasts and feed Burpette in front on my inlaws. Nope, can't bring myself to do that.

However, I can't just stop breastfeeding immediately. Burpette is so fond of breastmilk that whenever we give her the formula, she rejects it unless she is starving. I will carry on with breastfeeding this month but will slowly wean her off when I return to work next month. Once she is on formula feeds, I can have more time to spend with DH and Osh Osh because other people can tend to her instead of me. Why stop? Why not give her expressed breastmilk in a bottle? I have tried to express as much milk as I can but somehow, I can't pump enough to meet her needs as opposed to when she is latched on.

The pamphlets promoting the benefits and joys of breastfeeding never tell you how lonely and isolated the nursing mother can feel, how much time it takes you away from the other members of your family, how draining it can be on the mother. Or maybe it's just me...I am a wimp!

How shall I begin?

I just reread my last post which was written in May 2010. How shall I begin this post given my long silence? So much has changed since I attended that writing seminar by Philip Yancey. Not that I have become an established writer. Rather, it's the opposite as I've stopped taking on writing assignments since April. My writing course has been put on hold. The only writing I do since then is in the form of email messages to friends updating them about my baby.

Yes, I have a baby. She is a happy, healthy baby who is growing well but she also demands all of her mother's time which is expected of a newborn. Osh Osh loves Little Burpette dearly. As far as I can see now, there is no sibling rivalry although there are moments when Osh Osh feels neglected and makes it clearly known to me by saying, "Why don't you play with me anymore? You don't love me?", looking really sad. That puts me on the guilt train and once I'm on that train, it's very hard to jump off it as it will stop for nothing. I do feel stretched and drained and yet, happy and content all at the same time. Is that possible?

Burpette has been very fussy before her bedtime without fail for the past 2 weeks. I couldn't face handling her and tending to Osh Osh alone tonight given that DH is on his night shift. So, tonight is a big "firsts" for all of us. Osh Osh is spending the night at his grandparents. He has never slept anywhere without me and DH. I helped him pack his sleepover bag and got his school bag ready. Burpette was starting to be difficult just as Osh Osh started to have a change of mind. He asked, "Why do I have to go? Can't I stay here tonight?". At that moment, I wanted to shoo him away because I was really getting tired but I knew I had to put myself in his shoes. I calmly explained to him that it will be more fun for him at his grandparents because they can pay more attention to him than I can tonight. It is just for one night and I will see him again after school, I assured him.

He asked if he could pack a snack. He wanted a small box of his favourite breakfast cereal and I said ok. He came into the room several times to give me hugs and kisses, making me promise to call him there once Burpette has settled into a deep sleep, before he eventually left with his grandfather. I thought I would be relieved but in about 5 minutes of his departure, I felt a deep sense of loneliness and sadness. It was as though I would not see him again in a very long time, like he was going overseas to live for a year or something to that effect.

I went to his room after Burpette stopped tossing and turning and seemed to have settled (just peeped at her a minute ago and she's sound asleep) and tidied up his bed, picked up his toys and smelt his pajamas. This pair had just been washed so I was disappointed that I couldn't smell him on it.

I picked up the phone and called him. He said, "Hello, Mummy. Wait, let me play this song for you. You listen, ok?" He played on the organ a tune which I couldn't recognize. He said the title was "Small Yellow Duck, Quack, Quack, Quack". We both laughed and I complimented his performance. We talked a bit more about where he will sleep, what his supper will be and I reminded him that he has to go to school tomorrow so he can't stay up late tonight. I chatted with my father in law for a while then Osh Osh asked for the phone again. "I am excited to be here, Mummy but I miss my home!" He emphasized the last four words, in almost a shout. "I miss you too. Do you know that Mummy feels very sad after you left?"

Ironically, he used my explanation in his reply, 'It's ok, Mummy. It's just for one night and I will see you tomorrow. I love you. Good night."

We hung up. I now feel warm and fuzzy and kind of odd. So, this is what a child can do to you. Just when you think you can't feel more love for them, you do! It may be the first sleepover away from home for him but for me, it's the first time ever since Little Burpette joined our family that I realised my love for Osh Osh has not decreased or stayed the same. It has actually grown as I start to see him in a new light...he's no longer just my little boy. He is his own person. A person I am very honoured to share my life with. I'm going to his room one more time just to look through his stuff, to feel close to him. I know, it's just one night. I didn't say mothers have to act rationally, did I?

What's my Voice?

I recently attended a writing seminar conducted by Philip Yancey. Yes, the Philip Yancey who wrote books like "Where is God when It Hurts?" and "Prayer - Does it Make Any Difference?". His style of writing is different from your typical Christian writer. There are no catchy punchy short sentences like the books by Max Lucado. He does not write lengthy sentences filled with scriptures, theological references and ideology. Rather, he writes from a very realistic viewpoint and dissects the issue as a journalist would because that was his profession before he became a full time writer. He writes not because he's an expert on the topic but rather, his "voice" is of one who asks questions that everyone in the pew is thinking but dare not ask.

He explained that he wrote "Prayer-Does it Make any Difference?" not because he spends 4 hours a day on his knees praying but rather that this is one of his weakest areas in his walk of faith. He said that his purpose for writing each book is for himself. It's a self discovery process where as he writes, he researches the issue until he learns something. He loves interviewing people and finding out their thoughts on the topic. Then he will try to put it all together and make sense of it. However, for his book on prayer, the views of his interviewees were so diverse, he felt that it was better to leave the individuals' thoughts as side-bars in order not to lose the gist of it. It worked because his readers felt a strong connection to the book. They had the "a-ha" moment in that when they read a story or two that touched them about prayer, it made them feel less alone and less inadequate. They felt that they were understood by someone else in this big crazy world.

What stuck with me for days since this writing seminar is when Philip said, "The success to writing comes when you find your voice, your genuine voice of who you really are". He already shared what his "voice" was. One of the attendees shared that she wrote a book on singlehood. So, Philip said, "That's your voice. Just make sure you don't get married until your book sales proceeds reach its first million! Otherwise, you would have lost your voice and would no longer be genuine." Others stood up to share their voices. "I'm a mother coping with a child of special needs." "I'm a manager who wants to improve the corporate structure and morale that I work in." "I'm a happy-go-lucky young adult struggling to keep a deep dark secret hidden." "I'm a pastor who wants to stir the church up into a strong spiritual movement." The list goes on.

I felt inadequate. A lot of the attendees have published books. A lot of them have found their voices. I wanted to shout out, "Yes, I know what my voice is!" but I couldn't. The truth is I don't know what my voice is. Am I supposed to be a working mother who juggles between her role of a corporate employee and loving Mummy? Or am I a faithful and supportive wife to my husband? At one point of time, I had thought my voice was that of one dealing with secondary infertility. However, the recent change of events have taken away that voice but there are no regrets. I'm all too glad to carry this miracle baby inside me.

Am I genuine to myself when I say I'm the voice of a modern Christian woman who struggles to make sense of it all? Is that voice too common? Is it too cliché? I don’t have the answer yet and yes, it does keep me up on certain nights. Amazing, isn't it, that such a thought can nag at you?

Maybe my voice is that of a Christian woman who writes about finding her voice? What do you think? Could that work?

Big thoughts, little thoughts

It has been more than a month since my last post. I realise that it's harder to come back and write something here when I've been away from it for longer than my usual spell. I have many thoughts and experiences over the past month that I am dying to share but it's all bottled up inside and I don't really know how to start. So, I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind, hence the title "Big thoughts, little thoughts".

1. A big change - we have moved house! It was exhilarating, fulfilling and yet extremely stressful. I hope this is a keeper as I don't want to move again…at least not for a few decades! We couldn't have done it without the loving support of both sets of parents. There is a lot of adjustment given the new surroundings. Finding the right light switch in the middle of the night is still challenging! DH asked me the other evening when Osh Osh was happily playing in the nearby playground, "So, is this worth the price we paid for the house?" My reply was "No" and I went on to explain that we now have a big mortgage to pay off. That's the practical "me" talking. I then smiled and DH understood that I agreed with him that it's worth the money to see Osh Osh so happy. The move for us represents the next phase in our lives, leaving the past hurts and ugly memories behind and moving forward to a better life.

2. We survived Chinese New Year and lived to talk about it! Okay, it's not that bad but this is the first Chinese New Year where my inlaws travelled with us to stay at my parents' home for 10 days. That has never happened before and I was worried if it would turn out disastrous. What was I thinking when I asked them to come along with us? Did I suffer a momentary lapse of sanity? Yes, they get along but they get along better when they only see each other once every few months and are only under the same roof for not more than a few hours. 10 days…that's phenomenal. However, DH and I felt that this was the right thing to do. My inlaws needed a break and my parents wanted us to be home for the holidays. We prayed a lot about it and throughout the stay as well. There were moments when it was touch and go and I was thinking, "Oh no! Will everything fall apart?" God blessed our intentions and the stay was without any adverse consequences. I'm not saying that there has been a tremendous improvement in their relationship with each other but it's a good start in the right direction. Nevertheless, I told DH, "Let's think about doing this again…6 years from now!"

3. Bringing up Osh Osh. Osh Osh has grown leaps and bounds in the past few months. His physical stature is that of an older boy beyond his natural age. I can't carry him anymore because it would hurt my back. There are still times when he wants to be carried especially when it's at the end of the day and he's feeling very tired. He understands why I can't carry him and after some persuasion, he will carry on walking on his own without any fuss. If Daddy is there, he will cling to Daddy's leg and not let Daddy walk away without carrying him. Daddy always gives in to him! Osh Osh has a large appetite for learning new things. I have to keep up with him as he asks me new things every day and I sometimes end up saying, " I don't know!" God has blessed him with the love for music. Osh Osh sings and plays tunes on his keyboard every day. Last night, he told me he wanted to teach me a new church song and sang, "Jesus is my Lord, Jesus is my everything" and asked me to sing along with him. It warms my heart to see God at work in his life. I pray that he will continue to grow well in the Lord and touch the lives of others.

4. God is good all the time! This is a phrase which Christians overuse,sometimes flippantly. More often than not, we do not really believe it. At least, not when it's applied to our lives personally. We are happy to wish it to others but when someone tells us that God is good to us all the time, we find that hard to swallow. That's how I viewed it. I went through so many periods of unanswered prayers in my life. The unbearable silence. The endless waiting hours, days, weeks, months, years. A sense of being lost and abandoned. Hopelessness. Despair. Anger. Darkness. Last Sunday's sermon was an incredible eye-opener for me. It was a simple sermon. God answers prayers. The answers may not be what we're expecting but He answers our petitions and cries for help. We have to believe Him, live according to His will and persevere. Do not give up hope. Just keep praying even when you are at your last straw. DH and I keep telling ourselves to pray for our difficult issues…just pray for one more day. When the next day comes, pray again. The pastor was saying, "So, you believe Him and you live and pray according to His will and yet there is silence. What happened?" He explained that he doesn't have all the answers but there may be a lapse of time/hinderance/obstacle in the spiritual world which prevents us from seeing the answers immediately in our present physical world. It doesn't mean that the answer is lost in transmission. It just takes longer to get to us. Once the answer arrives and if it's not the one that we hoped for, it doesn't mean that God is against us. He has other plans or it's not the right time or maybe we are not to know the answer in this life. I don't know but what I do know is that He has answered our prayers and will keep answering them.

5. Spring, summer, autumn or winter? Which season of marriage are we in now? I think we're in the summer stage. We are definitely not in the spring "new love, new hopes and excitement" stage. Neither are we in the winter stage of coldness, bitterness and despair although at one point of our marriage a few years ago, we were in the deepest depths of winter. As for autumn - a season of changes, somewhat cold and uncertain, we were also there before but we have come a long way since then. So why summer? Summer is always a busy time with lots of activities. That succinctly describes our lives now. It's a fun time and that's what we're experiencing in our parenting experience with Osh Osh at the moment. It's also a very busy time for us in our careers. I am aware of the dangers of being so busy. We compromise quality couple time to meet other commitments. We may neglect each other's needs, be less sensitive, more irritable and more prone to take each other for granted. I know that both of us will do what we can to prevent a season change unless of course, it means moving into spring! Do you think that's possible? There is always hope...

And my last thought for this post…

Write till I drop! I've not been writing for at least a month now and each day, I have this feeling that something is missing. I recently submitted 2 articles to the parenting website that I've been writing for these past few months. It's a start but I know it's not enough. What do I really want to write about? That is something I have to dig deep into my soul and patiently listen to its quiet promptings. Muse, I am waiting…speak now!

Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life!

This sentence struck me as I woke up this morning. The voice in my head wasn't saying it in a nice welcoming way. Rather, it sounded like the voice of Death himself. "The beginning of the rest of my life" at this point of time is akin a dungeon pit to me, filled with darkness and grimly beings and I am in the centre of it all, with my life being slowly sucked out of me in a painfully agonizing manner.

The background to my tale of doom and gloom starts with the resignation of a colleague at work. I had a very difficult meeting with my manager yesterday. It was a one sided conversation with me hitting a brick wall at each and every turn. After the meeting, I felt demoralized. I have been given added responsibilities which promises increased stress at work and longer hours. On top of that, I lack support both from my manager and the rest of the team. I told DH that I am overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness. Everyone is looking out for themselves and at my expense. I feel trampled, squashed like a bug.

I asked God what He wants me to do at this stage of my life. Do I stick it out here, do my best at work and trust that He will give me the strength to face the challenges that lie ahead without sacrificing my time with my family? Alternatively, does He want me to trust Him to provide for our needs in particular the new mortgage payments and I will move on to find something less stressful and demanding? I don't have any answers and neither do I have a sense of peace in this matter.

On the flip side, I know God has blessed my family and I with many things. We have developed good friendships with the people in our church cell group. Coincidentally enough, last Saturday's meeting touched on loneliness and how God is still in the midst of our loneliness. Nothing catches Him by surprise. He is holding us in his hands when we go through such dark periods.

I started my writing course in February last year. A year later, I am a regular writer on a local parenting webzine with a large regional readership. I have definitely come a long way since the beginning of my writing course. Unfortunately, the thing I love doing doesn't pay the bills. All the writing books I've read advised me not to give up my day job. Write in the midst of your struggles. Make the bad times work for you. Use them as material for your writing. No time to write? Write whenever you can. In the train, in the bathroom, while waiting for your computer to boot up, when your son is playing with his toys, write within your daily routine and amongst the numerous mundane activities that you do. Just write!

That's what I'm doing now. It keeps me sane even if it doesn't make me rich. Well, maybe it does but not in the material sense. I am richer in that writing frees my soul, allowing me to sing my songs of life and hopefully, touches the souls of others too.

Is it just a symbol?

DH and I had a fight last night. What about? The significance of New Year's Eve and the start of the New Year. I know what you're thinking - what a ridiculous topic to fight about!

DH would not be home tonight for New Year's eve because he will be working. I wanted to have some quality time with him last night, so as to replace our time apart tonight. However, DH had a very busy day at work and running errands that he was tired. After dinner, he had to call our contractor to discuss some problems with the house renovations. He then had to discuss these issues with his father so that he can go over to the house and monitor the workers as we will not be able to do so.

When DH was finally free, I had dozed off. When I woke up about half an hour later, I felt really upset. The evening didn't turn out as I had hoped. I wanted an evening where both DH and I could sit on the sofa and reflect about how our year has been. It was not the best time to bring this up to DH but I did. He said that New Year's eve is just another day for him.It's no different than any other day. There's still work to be done, stresses of life to deal with and the problems that we have won't just go away with the clock striking 12 at midnight.

I told him that it meant a lot to me because I see it as a time to find release and to let all the pain, disappointments, anger and frustrations end with 2009 and to move into 2010 with a new and fresh outlook, filled with hope and joyous expectations.

To DH, New Year's eve and New Year's day are just symbols. Life goes on as per normal for him.

I agree now that what DH said made a lot of sense but given my agitated state of mind last night, I felt aggrieved that we had not spent a picturesque evening, talking about our recollection of the events of 2009 and our hopes and aspirations for 2010.

So, I went to bed, sulking and DH went to bed, irritated and frustrated with me.

This morning, I woke up calmer and somewhat embarrassed with the way I overreacted last night about this whole "New Year's eve, New Year's day" fuss. DH gave me a hug and a kiss in the kitchen before he left for work, wishing me "Happy New Year". I replied saying, "Why say it since it has no meaning for you?" He grinned and said, "It's important to you so I'm saying it."

After DH left for work, the words "new every morning" came to my mind and prompted me to look up this verse in the Bible.

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:21-23"

The author of the book of Lamentations was in a sorrowful state of mourning. Amazingly enough, these verses of hope and encouragement lie within this book. He doesn't tell us to ignore our pain and suffering and to just put on a happy face and cheer up. Rather, in a very realistic outlook, he told us not to give up hope but to remember the faithfulness of God. We are given a new chance in life every morning.

This means that we don't have to wait until next New Year's Eve to make resolutions to be a better person and to live a better life. We can resolve to do it every day!

True, as DH said, the end of 2009 will not make all our problems miraculously disappear. We will definitely still end up being hurt, angry and disappointed with each other and with the people and events around us. There will still be difficult times, sad moments and lonely periods.

However, with the start of every day, there is hope for something better. With each day, God gives us a treasured opportunity to live our best, to love and to learn from Him. This is a privilege we all have and it's not just restricted to December 31 or January 1 of every year.

On that note, a hopeful toast to everyone for a new beginning for every single day in 2010!

Clutter and me

Today I stared at fear in the face and said, "I'm not afraid of you. I want you out of my house!" Fear looked back at me and laughed mockingly, "Well, let's see what you've got, little girl!"

That was the clutter in our storeroom talking to me. I didn't want to tackle clearing out the storeroom but unfortunately, time is not exactly on our side. Yes, we're only moving at the end of next month, provided that there are no more hiccups with the renovation works but I only have time to pack our things into boxes on some Fridays and weekends. It's difficult to pack during weekday evenings as that's the time we reconnect as a family, with Osh Osh telling us all about the things he did in school and DH and I catching up with each other after a long work day.

Back to my nemesis, Clutter. I was determined not to let it get the better of me. After all, what is Clutter? It's just stuff that we can't let go off. We let it sit in our homes and take up unnecessary space. Every now and again, it mocks us when we catch sight of it, saying, "I know you hate me but you can't bring yourself to get rid of me!"

Armed with plastic bags and boxes, I bravely entered our storeroom and started to weave my way through the messy pile. Some items were given the loving treatment i.e. wiped clean and stored in boxes to be brought over to our new placce. Other items were packed into boxes to be given away to Salvation Army. Th third category of stuff wasn't so lucky. They were ruthlessly placed into plastic bags and headed straight to the bin!

After a few long tiring hours, I was nearing the completion of my task. Clutter no longer had a hold on me. I am free! Or am I? As expected, Clutter wasn't going to give up that easily without a fight. Clutter knew my weakest point and went in for the kill. As I was packing baby items to be given away, Clutter whispered in my ear, "Are you sure you want to give these away? You may get pregnant next year. These could come in handy." I sat down on the floor, amidst the boxes, and started to cry. Should I hold on to these items, in the hope that I could use them again one day? Or should I just let go and give them away to someone else who is already expecting a child?

I plucked up enough courage to stand up, wash my face and resumed packing those items in the boxes to be given away. I'm not giving up hope that one day, I may conceive a child. However, I don't want to spend my "here and now" waiting and holding on to things that are painful reminders, unable to let go. After all, these are just things. It's time to make a clean start.

Clutter was surprised. That wasn't an outcome it expected. It didn't have a fighting chance now and my mission was completed. I am now typing this while having a hot cup of tea, legs propped up on a footstool, feeling tired but with a sense of accomplishment.

A word of caution, both to myself and to others who intend to declutter. If you are not diligent and let your guard down, Clutter will return with a vengeance. So, always ask yourself if you need the item again within a year, whether it enriches your life or simplify your living. Be wary as Clutter can diguise itself as one of these items so be very honest with yourself when you ask these questions and have the resolute to act on your decisions.

I still have other siblings of Clutter lurking in the other rooms of our house. I will have to tackle them another day. If you don't hear from me again before Christmas, rest assured that I am ok. I will not let Clutter win!

God bless all of you! Have a joyous Christmas and a fulfilling start to the year ahead!

Hey! Where did the line go??

This week has been interesting for me. I have been reminded on several occasions that boundaries in our relationships are undeniably important. I've also been reminded that I don't guard my boundaries well which has led to a number of complications and unnecessary stress. The lines around our personal space, both in the mental and emotional sphere are often blurred and sometimes, erased into non-existence.

My relationship with my inlaws has never been easy for me. I must admit that our communication has improved greatly over the past 2 years. There is also a better sense of understanding of each other's differences. Nevertheless, there are still times when things are sensitive, potentially bringing up all the unhappy sentiments from the past. I agree that they desire to be closer to us, in particular to Osh Osh and I am happy for them to develop their relationship with him. However, there are times when the three of us want to have family time alone. It's difficult to communicate that at times, short of telling them directly that we want some time alone. DH finds it hard being caught in the middle and I hate to be the "bad guy" to have to tell them that we need some space. This weekend, I had to do that and I felt really bad later. DH called his father that evening to clear the air. It's good that my relationship with my father in law is on a more solid ground now and he didn't take any offence to my directness. As a matter of fact, he apologised for not realising that we needed some space and for overstepping his boundaries. It's a delicate dance that we all have to learn and master. More often than not, I have clumsily and unintentionally stepped on their toes.

Another boundary issue was between our contractor and us. We have been nice and friendly, perhaps a bit too friendly, with our contractor that he has ended up taking us for granted. As a result, there has been mistakes in the renovation works as well as delays. We had a meeting with him yesterday evening. It wasn't an easy one. I was very stressed about it for the past few days leading to it but DH remained calm throughout. The outcome of the meeting was good. Yes, the completion of the works is delayed until end of January next year but we have made it clear that we will not tolerate any more neglect on his part. The lesson for me here is that we should always be careful not to mistake a professional relationship as friendship by being too trusting.

As we returned home late that night, Osh Osh was needy as he missed me. However, I had to rush as I needed to attend a teleconference by dialling in from home that night. I had less than half an hour to shower, grab a quick dinner and prepare for it. That was another boundary issue for me. The conflict of letting work eat into my family time. I had to fulfil my work obligations as that is what I am paid to do. That fact didn't help me though when I saw Osh Osh's eyes tear up when I told him, "Mummy has to lock herself in the room to make this phone call." He didn't say a word but kept looking at me pitifully. With a heavy heart, I walked away from him. I made it up to him once the call ended by reading 4 story books with him. Of course, he ended up sleeping later than his usual bedtime but he went to bed happy. I hate having to choose work over him and this is something that I have to continually grapple with.

Finally, there is one other boundary issue that hits even closer to home. This time, the only person involved is me. I let the boundaries of rational thought and practical advice overlap with my own irrational worries and fear. As a result of not protecting the mental boundaries in my head, I was unnecessarily stressed, lost sleep over the past few nights and had headaches. I had prayed about the situation but somehow, I didn't surrender it all to God. Looking back, worrying about it and fearing the worst wasn't worth it. All it resulted in was an increased number of gray hairs!

I have learnt that the boundary lines in our lives are to be vigilantly protected and respected. They are there to enable us to live a happy fulfilling life. If we let the lines blur into oblivion, our lives would be a mess. We would be tossed about by every obstacle and pulled in all different directions, not knowing where our centre of focus should be. The boundaries that we set in our relationships are not meant to make us into selfish people. On the contrary, when we know where we stand in our relationships, we feel more secure and are better equipped to fulfil the needs that each relationship demands of us. On that note, I intend to vigilantly protect my time with DH and Osh Osh when we are all home later this evening. I know Osh Osh will be thrilled!

Get the juices flowing!

I miss writing. It's as though a part of me is lying dormant, waiting to be resurrected. Unfortunately, my creative juices seem to be frozen at the moment. My sixth writing assignment looks at me in the face, as though taunting me, telling me, "I'm still waiting...are you ever going to get me completed?"

I guess life's busyness got in the way. My daily schedule revolves around work and Osh Osh. My personal time with DH has suffered because of our respective schedules. There is also the additional busyness that comes with the renovation of the new home, the planning and the packing (something I am doing bit by bit at the speed of a worn out snail!).

When I think about all the things that needs to be done before the year end, I have to strongly resist the urge to run away, tearing my hair out and screaming like a mad woman or diving under the covers and staying in bed and not move a muscle, praying that the chores won't hunt me out!

We all know that thinking about things just makes them seem more insurmountable. The tasks at hand aren't all that difficult. I just need to focus, get off my butt and do one small thing at a time. Why is that so hard? Is it all in my mind?

DH asked me to be realistic and not kill myself by all my thinking. He said I think too much about the things that I need not think about and think too little about the things I should be putting my mind to work on. This was actually said in jest but I admit there is definitely truth in his words.

I agree that I have to be realistic. I have to put my writing on hold for now and focus on making the move to the new place as easy and as pleasant as possible. So having said that, I'm getting off this chair now and move my butt to get some decluttering done!

It's good to be home

It's so good to be home. Despite my apprehension and worries, the trip, on a whole, went well. Workwise, it was good to reconnect with my counterparts from the other regions. We were productive. We even had time for some short sight-seeing and shopping.

Both DH and Mum told me that Osh Osh was very well behaved in my absence. I spoke to DH and Osh Osh over Yahoo Messenger on some nights. It made my homesickness more bearable. DH took a lot of effort to record short videos of Osh Osh to cheer me up.

Mum said that Osh Osh was very excited on Saturday night, counting the hours till my flight landed. Mum had to strongly persuade him to sleep as my flight was only scheduled to arrive on Sunday morning.

DH drove to the airport to pick me up along with Osh Osh, my Mum and my inlaws. It was very special for me to be so warmly welcomed home. I bought Osh Osh a magician's start-up kit and he loved it. All throughout yesterday, he was trying out the tricks. He has mastered 2 out of the 21 tricks. I'm sure it won't be too long before he catches on and learns the rest.

DH and I had a lot of time together, thanks to my Mum helping us out with chores and keeping Osh Osh occupied. It was wonderful to reconnect with DH. I really missed him. I was jokingly telling him that I should go away more often so that we can have such special moments being reunited.

Overall, I feel calmer and more at peace. Yes, I have a million and one things that needs to be done but I'm not in a panic frenzy. Maybe, my perspective on life has changed somewhat. I am assured that despite the outward circumstances in my life, the inevitable problems and unforeseen incidents, God is in control and He will not let us bear more than what we can handle. I guess being alone those nights away has helped me appreciate what I have been blessed with in my life. Not to sweat over the small stuff and most things, no matter how demanding or urgent or upsetting they are, in general are actually small stuff.

The "big" stuff in my life is my family. They are well, happy and love me very much. I hope that I never lose this perspective again!

An invisible shroud of gloom

I seem to be walking around in an invisible shroud of gloom lately. I can't seem to shake it off despite my efforts to perk up. I prayed, telling myself that I have many things to be grateful for and that this is an attack from the devil. Still, the shroud remains. Some moments, it is so thick that it suffocates me. Other times, it doesn't constrict my daily normal functioning but I know it's there.

A few nights ago, I told Osh Osh that I will be travelling overseas for a business trip on 1 November. He looked at me puzzled and said, "But Mummy, you said 2 November!" I had told him last month about the trip to prepare him for my one week of absence. He wasn't happy but he was comforted by the fact that my Mum will be coming over to stay and help us out. I was surprised that he remembered that I said I would fly on 2 November. It was only recently that my manager asked me to change my flight to 1 November to have an extra day there for more meetings. Osh Osh didn't cry when we talked about my travel plans but I could see that his heart sank and he was trying very hard to be brave. He said that he will miss me and it will not be the same not having me there beside him, reading to him each night before he sleeps. I told him that his Grandma will be there to read to him. Osh Osh replied, "It's not the same. Poh Poh doesn't read Froggy the same way that you do!" He started to sound exasperated so I decided to change the topic. We left the "reading" topic and I told him that I will be away for only 7 days. I assured him that I will buy a toy for him as a souvenir. He smiled a small smile and said, "If you cannot buy a big toy, a small one is ok."

Maybe this is the main reason for my invisible shroud of gloom. Just as Osh Osh feels that it will not be the same without me around, I feel that there is an emptiness when I am not with him. I will miss his laughter, his hugs and kisses, his numerous recounts of the events of his day, his acute words of Godly wisdom and our quiet moments of closeness. I will miss him so much that my heart will break. I dread the arrival of 1 November. I don't know who will be the stronger one. Chances are I will start bawling first at the airport! It would be as though a big part of me is roughly ripped out, leaving a gaping hole of loneliness and emptiness.

DH and I talked about this last night. He comforted me in that my business trip would only be for 7 days. The days would go by quickly because my schedule is very packed. I would not have any time to sit in the hotel room and mope or twiddle my thumbs and think of home. DH was very tired from work so he didn't want to stay up until late to continue talking about my shroud of gloom. I was tired too so we slept.

I don't have any answers. A lot of people travel long distance for business trips leaving their loved ones behind for days, weeks and even months. They cope, they make the effort to connect and be a united family despite the geographical distance. I am just going on this one trip. It's not the end of the world. I guess I don't have what it takes to be a true blue corporate Mum. My heart belongs to my "Soft Toy Boy" and nothing in the world will ever change that.

Hearing the Voice of God

I learnt a very important lesson on hearing the Voice of God from my son last night.

It all began at dinner time. Osh Osh normally eats his dinner at the coffee table while watching his favourite cartoon as DH and I move about the house doing chores. Last night, for a change, we made him sit with us at the dining table. Initially, he was very reluctant. He had to decide between spending time with his parents or watching his favourite cartoon. If you were a kid his age, you would agree that it was a very tough choice!

I asked him if he wanted to have dinner at the table like a "happy family", thinking that since Osh Osh coined that phrase himself, he would see the importance of it and give up his programme. My attempt failed miserably. DH finally came up with an amicable solution. He will eat with us at the table for half an hour, after which he can go watch his tv. Osh Osh finally said yes!

We had roast chicken last night. Osh Osh asked, "Why did the man kill the chicken?" I probed him for more details. He went on to explain that man keeps chickens in small boxes then he kills them and we eat them. I said that if we want to eat the chicken, it has to be killed. Otherwise, we wouldn't have any chicken to eat. I was curious about how he knew of the rearing and killing of chickens. I didn't teach it to him so I figured he must have learnt it at school.

Osh Osh looked at me and said matter-of-factly, "God told me". Now, I am really curious so I went on to ask him a series of questions.

"How did God tell you?"

"God speak to me in my heart."

"How did you hear God?"

"I hear God in my heart. Not in my ears."

"How does God speak to you in your heart?"

"If you want to hear God, your heart will hear Him. If you don't want to hear God, your heart won't hear Him. God don't speak to your ears. God speak to your heart."

"Do you hear God all the time?"

"Yes, God speak to me all the time… in my heart, not my ears."

"What does God say?"

"God tell me things"

"What things?"

"God loves me. In my heart, not my ears."

DH and I were really impressed. It was as though Osh Osh was preaching a little sermon to us. It was clear and straight to the point. What's more important, we know that it was genuine because our little preacher has practically applied it in his life. His message was also biblically accurate! God speaks to the heart and He will only speak to you if your heart is open and willing to accept Him.

Well, that's the gospel truth from a "babe's mouth"! Amen!

Soft Toy Boy

I've given Osh Osh a new nickname. He's my "Soft Toy Boy". He loves it. Whenever he has the need for extra affection and longer hugs, he will come up to me and say in a soft babyish voice, "Mummy, am I your Soft Toy Boy?" I would reply, "Yes" and give him a hug. He would then repeat the question and I would give him another hug. He can repeat the question up to 5 or 6 times. Our hugs would get bigger, tighter and longer and if we were in his room, we would end up rolling on the mattress and laughing.

Why "Soft Toy Boy"? Osh Osh has 3 small soft toys that he brings to bed with him every night. There's Baby Lion, about 4 inches in length, which we got as a free gift together with one of the children's meals from a restaurant. Then, there's Tigger which he received as a Christmas present 2 years ago and Me Too, a soft rabbit shaped pencil case which was given to him by one of his teachers on Children's Day. Baby Lion is his favourite and he loves to pretend that Baby Lion is him and I am Tigger. So, he would always give me Tigger and we would make the 2 soft toys have conversations together with Tigger as Baby Lion's mother.

Every night, after we've finished playing, he would give Tigger to me to bring to my room. He said Tigger belongs to me. It's very kind of him to share Tigger with me. I would always take Tigger away but when Osh Osh is asleep, I would put Tigger beside him again. I love watching him sleep. He would put Baby Lion in his pajama top because he doesn't want Baby Lion to be cold. He would then lie on his side and hug Me Too.

About 2 weeks ago, when we were having this conversation, I told him that he doesn't need to give me Tigger anymore because I know how much he loves Tigger too. He can keep Tigger along with Baby Lion and Me Too. Then he looked long and hard at me and asked, "Who will be your soft toy?"

He looked so adorable so the answer automatically came to me. I hugged him and said, "You are my Soft Toy Boy". I can see that the name pleased him as his eyes gleamed and he smiled widely. So, the name stuck. He said he won't use the name at school but only at home with me. Sometimes, when we are sitting on the sofa, he would climb onto my lap and stroke my hair and ask, "Am I your Soft Toy Boy?" My heart melts each time.

I cherish these moments with him because I can see that he's growing up so quickly. He's learning to do new things each day and becoming more independent. There are times when I am very melancholy especially when I look at him sleep. Thoughts like "He is the only baby I will ever have" and "One day, he won't need as many hugs from me anymore" would engulf me. I guess these are normal feelings that a mother goes through. They are just that…feelings! What really matters is that the Soft Toy Boy loves his Mummy and his Mummy is overwhelmed with gratitude to be his mother.

Unwired and docked off!

I did a very brave thing. I didn't bring my work laptop home this weekend. I can't remember the last time I didn't have it with me over the weekend. What's more mind blowing for me is that I didn't switch on my home desktop for the entire weekend. I didn't read my personal email messages. I didn't play around with Facebook. I didn't surf the net and read what's on Christianity Today or Oprah.com. I didn't visit any of the Christian forums or writing websites. I was completely unwired and docked off! Amazing!

To most of you, you're thinking, "What's the big deal?"

However, if you have been following my blog, you would know that I have issues on maintaining a work life balance. I always bring work home with me. I log on at nights and weekends to tend to work requests from the other offices in different time zones. I seem to be working all the time. When I am not physically in front of my laptop, my mind is filled with anxiety about work. I am never fully mentally there when I am spending time with DH and Osh Osh.

It was hard for me this weekend not to think about work. It's like my recent attempt of giving up coffee which didn't go too well. I would feel that something important is missing and the day's not quite right until I have my cup of coffee. I would feel edgy, grumpy and restless. Sometimes, I would have headaches. I often joke with my colleagues that it's like a cocaine addict having the shakes!

So, what took the place of my online time this weekend? I had good quality time with Osh Osh as I wasn't preoccupied with work. I didn’t use my normal phrase of "Not now, Mummy has to work" with him throughout the entire weekend. DH and I spent more time praying together and reading His word. All of us had a luxuriously long afternoon nap yesterday. We went for evening walks. Osh Osh was happy. I felt that I was more "there" with DH and Osh Osh. Yes, admittedly, there were times during the weekend that my mind strayed and wandered to work but I told myself that work can wait till Monday. I consciously brought my mind back to the present moment. When Osh Osh was happily playing and explaining to me what he was doing, I listened attentively, asked questions and played with him. DH and I laughed more this weekend. Yes, I was irritated with him about some minor issues but I explained my reasons for them. He in return, told me that he was irritated with me too. Nevertheless, we had time to talk about it and as a result, we understood each other better and our irritation with each other didn't escalate into a full blown fight.

Will I do this again this weekend? Yes, most definitely! I will however, have my laptop with me because I will be working from home on Friday. Nonetheless, come close of business day Friday, I will be officially offline. It's a small step but it's a step in the right direction!

Joyful in hope?

I sat in a crowded train, trying my best not to cry. I was listening to Christian worship songs on my MP3 player, hoping that it would dull the pain and make it bearable. As I kept the volume at a reasonable level, I could still hear the buzz of conversation amongst the other commuters. It was stuffy and more than once, my foot was stepped on.

I didn't want to sink deeper into self pity so I fumbled around in my handbag and pulled out a wallet size Christian women's devotional book. I carry this wherever I go with me, along with my trusty notebook. I turned to a topic titled "Hope" and there it was. Romans 12:12. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

How am I able to be joyful in hope?

I was quietly hopeful that this month was going to be that special month. Then, I started spotting today. People have told tell me that it will get easier with time. You will be able to deal with the disappointment better if it repeatedly happened to you. Then one day, it wouldn't hurt anymore.

Is that true?

All throughout the noisy train journey, I was fighting hard to keep my tears at bay. I kept reading Romans 12:12. Be faithful in prayer. I can manage that as both DH and I have been praying for a second child for more than a year now. Be patient in affliction. That's harder but I can manage that too. I tell myself to focus and convincingly say that I can overcome the suffering and be a better person after that experience.

Joyful in hope?

That's much harder. On a normal day, even when PMS doesn't hinder my rational functioning, joy escapes me every now and again. What more when I have to come face to face with "losing" once again what my heart so desires? Hope...is there any left? I have to search all of my being to find that last ounce of hope to hold on to. To be joyful in that last ounce of hope... I don't see how I can do it.

A thought came to my mind. As I was crying inwardly, I felt that God was shedding the same tears as I was too.

In a desert land he found him,
in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
he guarded him as the apple of his eye.
- Deuteronomy 32:10

As I read this verse, I replaced "him" with "her" to identify myself in it. He cares for me. He hurts when I hurt because He loves me so much. I am His creation. I am the apple of His eye.

I still walked home with a heavy heart. It's never easy for me although this disappointment is a monthly event that I face without fail. As I reached our doorstep, I mustered enough courage to put aside my tears, my grief and my pain as I am returning to my DH and my Osh Osh, my beloved family.

The joy that Romans 12:12 speaks of, I believe, is not one of frivolous happiness which may be easily distinguished. It's quiet and yet strong and secure and it comes from the fact that God has not left me. He is with me in all this muddled up mess that I am going through right now.

Joyful in hope? It's not possible for me right now but I pray in time, I will get there...as that is where God wants me to be.

What lenses are you using?

It's been emotionally chaotic these past two days. I had taken two days off work and since Mum is with us, it was the perfect timing to have some mother daughter quality time. That's not the cause of the chaos, of course! We had a nice time out yesterday, shopping and afternoon facials at the spa.

However, when I came home, I checked my work email messages. I know I shouldn't have done so since I am on leave. The urge was too strong for me to resist. I had several messages waiting for me, all bearing similar sentiments of urgency and importance. I was stumped. I felt that I have been short-changed. These 2 precious days are my days off work. I have hardly taken any decent time off for the past 6 months. Why can't my bosses and colleagues respect that and leave me alone??

Anyway, I decided not to reply those messages, all except one because the sender used some threatening words which displeased me. All of yesterday evening, I was feeling low and upset. It just seemed that as long as I have been doing this job, I wouldn't have any "freedom". The work will always be hounding me. People do not respect my personal time and my boundaries in life. Did I bring this upon myself by being too conscientious with my work in the first place? I was always termed as the "reliable, dependable worker". If you need anything done, don't fret, Busybugz is always there to do it.

That was the lens I used to look at my life yesterday. DH came home tired and wasn't too pleased to find me in such a state. He tried his best to console me but it didn't work. He used a different pair of lenses. He used a practical one where he saw my life as it was, without any drama. He asked me a question, "How many people can really take time off work without having work waiting for them when they returned to the office?" He's right. Everyone shares the same boat as me. No one is left off the hook but others seemed to have a better balance in life in that they are able to compartmentalize their lives, not mixing personal and work time.

I went to sleep restless and very disappointed last night. I know that realistically, I have to keep working in this job because the pay is decent and I should consider myself blessed for having a job. However, somehow, knowing this just made me feel very trapped.

Little did I know that Mum couldn't sleep well either last night. She was bugged by something else. She missed my Dad who is back home now and she was also worried about my grandmother. There are also some other family issues which I don't want to bring up here. What I can share is that the pair of lenses she used was a very emotional one. She just couldn't shake what she felt and was very troubled. This morning, she said she wanted to go home. DH and I tried our best to console her but as you can guess (like mother, like daughter), it didn't work.

So, DH and I went to the train station and changed her train ticket so that she can leave this Sunday instead of late next week. We didn't share her view that she needed to return urgently as the existing problems have been there for years and wouldn't change even if she returned tonight or Sunday or next week. However, her perception was clouded by emotions and she made her decision based on what her heart led her to decide.

As you can see, I am very similar to my mother. There are many times, of course, when I don't want to admit this. I don't want to say that I am rash and emotionally unstable but it's evident here that we are very alike. My Mum's very soft hearted and very kind which often results in people taking advantage of her. I share that trait too although I like to believe that I am made of tougher stuff. I can see Osh Osh being that way too. Kindness is something that comes so naturally with him. I have this fear that in this hard, cruel world that my son will not have what it takes to bear the brutal attacks of those who have stone cold hard hearts.

What am I to do? I can't live in fear all the time. I can't take a baseball bat and swing it around crazily to defend my parents and my son against whatever evil that comes their way. Instead, I have to let go and turn to God in prayer. I have to rely on the fact that "...He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him for that day" 1 Timothy 1:12.

Life is tough. No one can deny that. We survive by choosing the right type of lenses to look at the lives we lead.

An unexpected gem

For those of you who know my DH, the first thing that will strike you is that he is a soft spoken man. You wouldn't expect him to give you a slap on your back and laugh boisterously. He doesn't crave the limelight and is perfectly happy doing things behind the scene.

This story made me see him in a different light. Whoever wrote that you can always learn something new about your spouse is dead right!

I was very anxious for him yesterday. He had told me that as part of his occupational training this month, he needed to be in a chamber filled with tear gas (yes, the type of tear gas that is used to deter protesters and rioters!) in order to learn the skills of putting on the requisite protective gear within a very short frame of time.

I asked him if he can opt out. "Give some excuse - say you're not feeling well!" I suggested. DH said he would like to do this even though he was apprehensive because it would be a good experience. I don't know if it was a guy thing as I personally wouldn't want to be locked in a small confined space with some noxious substance just for the experience. Then again, that's just me. For a memorable experience, give me a bubbled filled bath tub with nice smelling candles and soft music any day!

DH sent me a text message about mid morning informing me that "Eyes, nose and face stung but I'm fine. Not to worry." He also managed to squeeze in that same text message that he has something to tell me that I would be pleased with.

That caught my eye! What did he do? Random thoughts start going through my head. Did he do something brave? Did he help one of his fellow team mates? Did he put others before himself? What ??

Yes, you can see by now that I am not a very patient soul.

Later yesterday afternoon, he called. He told me that I had to wait until I was home before he would tell me. He said it was better for him to tell me face to face. I didn't want to kept in suspense until then because I had to work late last night. I pleaded with him to tell me. He said, "Suspense is good for you. You'll like it. Women like such things!"

What?? What is it that women like? I didn't get a lot of work done yesterday as my mind was preoccupied by that last statement DH said. He sounded so pleased and excited over the phone, that he has this little secret that would make me happy. I'm glad that he is happy but this mama cat was being killed slowly and painfully by her own curiosity!

I finally got home close to 9pm. My father in law was getting Osh Osh ready for bed. I thought DH would be in the room with them as he would always read Osh Osh a bedtime story while tucking him in. My father in law said DH was very tired and had gone to bed.

I irrationally felt disappointed. I had hoped DH would be up and waiting for me at the door, grinning from ear to ear. I went into our room. DH was already asleep. I moved closer to him and nudged him to wake up. Yes, I know, I can hear you saying, 'What are you thinking, woman? Let your husband sleep! Can't you see he is so tired after a long day?!!"

I know but I needed to know the secret. I waited all day for it and I should be rewarded for my patience. What patience, you ask? I did say I was irrational.

DH eventually opened his eyes and said that he had a bad headache. I asked him if it was the side effect of the tear gas. He said no and that it was probably because he was out in the sun for too long. I fussed over him, making sure he took some medicine for his headache and neck pain. He smiled and eventually told me what he did.

At the end of the exercise, the participants were asked to remove their protective mask and breathe in the tear gas. The instructor asked each of them to shout out their names and identifcation numbers. He jokingly added that they could also shout out the names of their wives or dogs, whichever they preferred. When it came to DH's turn, after saying his name and ID number, he went on to say, 'I love Busybugz because she is a wonderful wife and mother." This was greeted by thunderous applause from all those present.

I was dumbfounded. DH said that in public, before a group of men without any form of coercion from me? "Was it the effect of the gas?" I asked. What did the others say? Did anyone laugh? Why did you say that? Did anyone come up to you and say anything later?" I showered him with numerous questions! Typical of a woman, wouldn't you say?

DH was too tired and just smiled again before lying down on the bed and closing his eyes. I wanted answers! Still, I couldn't get angry at him. He was right. It was something that a woman would like. A public declaration of love, freely given and free from any expectations of reward in return. I was still asking myself, "Was it the gas? Why did he do it?"

What was I thinking? Why did I have to ask so many questions? DH loves me. That's why he did it. He knew I would like it. He was not ashamed of his public declaration of love for me simply because it's the truth. He loves me. To him, I am his wonderful wife. He also believes that I am a wonderful mother to Osh Osh. Why did I find that so hard for me to accept?

Maybe I should stop questioning everything and just accept the gems I am blessed with...like this unexpected gem of love that DH has given to me.

Love and Marriage

This tune popped up unexpectedly in my head as I was reading my work email messages. It's an old song sung by Frank Sinatra titled Love and Marriage. The first few lines are as follows:

Love and marriage, love and marriage
They go together like a horse and carriage
This I tell you brother
You can't have one without the other

Things seemed much simpler in that era or it could just be our perception of the way things were. People fell in love and naturally, they would wed. Nowadays, that isn't necessarily the way things progress. Love and marriage don't go hand in hand in this day and age. Many view marriage as being restrictive; like an institutional cage which kills the individual's freedom.

DH and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary yesterday. We both agreed that there has been a lot of ups and downs in our marriage. Some downs are repetitive because they are merely symptoms of their root causes which we have not adequately addressed and resolved. Issues like past hurts, anger, disappointment and resentment hinder me from seeing the full potential of my marriage. Our ups are blemished by such stains and lose the vibrancy of the full joy that they actually hold.

My anniversary gift to DH was a pair of tickets to a classical orchestra performance. It was titled Spanish Fantasia. We both enjoyed the concert. The pieces played took me through a range of emotions. I felt melancholy in one moment, soothed in the next, followed by an unexplainable intensity which transpired into an exhilarating climax, making me applaud till both hands ached.

Will God applaud my performance of wifely duties when He looks at how the 6 years of our marriage has been played? Am I always in sync with DH? Do I approach the music at the same tempo as DH? Does the melody of our marriage inspire and encourage others? Or are we horribly out of tune? Do others wince whenever they hear us?

I don't know the answers (and DH just said yesterday that I think too much!). I'll just pray that at the end of the day, God will hear a sweet, sweet sound when our marriage rhapsody is played to Him.

Hope that red turns green!

It's hard when you come crashing down to reality, especially when you have been quietly but excitedly hoping that the change you have been longing for, is finally within your grasp. I have spent the last 2 weeks or so day-dreaming about taking a sabbatical from work. I had pictured my new daily routine and lived it in my head. Waking up and not have to rush around like a mad hatter to get Osh Osh ready for school and ensuring that all of us leave the house before the clock strikes 7.

I'm able to have breakfast with Osh Osh at a leisurely pace and read a book or two with him in the morning before taking him to the neighbourhood playground. I would only send him to school in the afternoon as we would have opted out of our present full day child care arrangement. When he is at school, I would have at least 2 hours to write freely without having to worry about what work email and voice messages await me. I pictured myself having more energy, more alive, less stress and anxiety; and ulitimately happier.

DH and I talked about this in length and he is very supportive. He was confident that we could get by comfortably on his single income despite the new mortgage payments for our home and our other monthly expenditure. I was more skeptical and had this nagging thought that we couldn’t do it.

A good friend of mine introduced me to an online budgeting tool which will assist in our calculations to give us a clearer picture of our finances. I worked on it alone yesterday and my heart sank when the numbers came out red. We would be about $1400 in the red if we were depending only on DH's single salary. DH didn't believe me when I shared this with him last night. He figured that I had overestimated some of our expenses to give us a buffer for unexpected emergencies. I did create a buffer as it wouldn't be realistic if we took this step without catering for unforeseen circumstances.

Although DH was tired last night, he sat down with me and we worked through the numbers again. We got more or less the same results. I was very disappointed. DH suggested that we do a 3 months dry run of drastically reducing our expenses and live now as though he was the family's only income source. I agreed but I know how difficult it will be. DH has always been very frugal with money so it would not be such a big challenge for him. For me, I see money as a tool to lavish gifts onto those I care about as a outward gesture of my feelings for them. I also like to occasionaly splurge on myself when I am feeling blue. Our different styles of handling money resulted from how we saw our parents dealt with their money over the years. After being married to DH for 6 years, I have adapted some of his frugal manner and he has learnt to be more relaxed about his approach to money. As it is with every married couple, we blend and mould each other, take on each other's characteristics and if we get it right, we become stronger and better individuals due to our marriage.

I asked DH, as my lame way of approaching this disappointment in a light hearted manner if he saw the dark cloud hovering over my head with rain showers, thunder and lightning. He smiled and said, "After the rain, the sky will become clearer, the air fresher and there will be a rainbow."

I smiled feebly. I guess I behaved like a spoilt child. I had fantasized in depth about my ideal life for the past 2 weeks. It made my present life bearable because I told myself, "Hang in there, not much longer now", each time I met an obstacle. Now, the fluffly, wooly carpet that I have been standing on has been roughly yanked from under my feet causing me to fall down hard on my butt! Ouch! I nurse my wounded soul.

What do I do now? Brush the dust off, pick myself up and hope. Hope that one day my fantasy life will come true. Hope that the ugly red number that we got from our budget last night will turn into a jubilant green one after 3 months from now. Hope that if it doesn't, He will give me the peace to accept my life as it is. Hope that He will give me the strength to live the life I have now in a pleasing manner to Him. Hope that above all, I will have the inner joy that I long for.

My life is a movie!

Now that I have gotten everyone excited, let me elaborate!

No, I've not been asked by some famous Hollywood director and producer to allow them to film my life and sell it as a blockbuster. I wish that were true but right now, this is as good as it gets.

I came across a movie trailer on Yahoo titled Motherhood. It's directed by Katherine Dieckmann and the stars are Uma Thurman and Anthony Edwards (he used to play Dr Mark Greene in ER - ah....how long ago was that??)

As you know, movie trailers are always fast, short and catchy. It did just that to me. It caught me!

The story evolves around Uma Thurman's character. She used to be a writer who gave that up to be a stay at home mother to her 6 year old daughter and her toddler son. She is swamped with the perils of motherhood on a daily basis and starts losing sight of who she was before the diapers, the breast-feeding, the laundry, the errands and various other constant juggling activities of a wife and mother.

She receives snide and hurtful remarks from the other mothers she meets. In a playground, a woman commented sarcastically, "Wow, you're a stay at home Mum? Nobody in this city would admit to that!"

Another scene was when she was speaking to one of her daughter's friend's mother to invite them to her daughter's birthday party. The lady was a classy French woman living in a posh apartment in Manhattan whereas Uma' character lived in Greenwich Village. The lady spoke in a snooty French accent, "You're so brave. Just to live as you do, the stairs, the children, the car, the dog. Oh, are you wearing a nightgown under your coat?"

I've been there before, many times, at the receiving end of such criticisms. It tore my self esteem apart being looked down and belittled when I was trying all that I can to compose myself and be a good mother.

Uma told her husband played by Anthony Edwards, "I'm submitting a piece to a parenting magazine. I have to write 500 words about what motherhood means to me." There was a pause of silence. Anthony spoke without really thinking, 'Do you think this is the best use of your creative energy?"

Uma was shattered. I'm sure Anthony meant well but his words came out all wrong. Many a times, DH has the best intentions and does what he thinks would make me happy but I interpret it all wrongly and it often ends up in fights and tears.

However, I think Anthony is supportive of Uma's quest to find herself and her personal purpose in life. While they were sitting in their car, he looked at her and said, "I want you to live your life with passion," and she broke down in tears.

Uma's friend shared with her this jewel, "Motherhood is about accepting things that you can't control. Do you know how heartbreaking that is?"

The scene changes and Uma sits across their living room looking at her toddler son playing. She waves a little wave at him and he smiles and waves back. She starts tearing up again.

Being a mother is indeed heartbreaking. You feel a range of emotions you have never felt before, the word "fatigue" becomes a daily living reality and at the same time, you wouldn't want to trade it for anything else in the world. Yes, as depicted in the trailer of this movie, being a mother entails a lot of crying. I can vouch for that. As they say, if I had a dime for every time I cried as a mother, I would be rich enough to fund the making of my own movie and market it worldwide with spare change to boot!

I don't know how the movie will end but I have a hunch it's got a Hollywood feel-good ending. Uma probably wins the writing competition and goes on to be a successful published author. She finds purpose and fulfillment in her life. Her relationship with her husband improves dramatically (including her libido!) and her children grow up beautifully.

If my life was a movie, that is definitely the ending I desire!

The release date for this movie is October 16th. You know where to find me on that day - at the cinema, with a big tub of popcorn, a sinful fizzy drink and lots of tissues! Want to join me?