Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life!

This sentence struck me as I woke up this morning. The voice in my head wasn't saying it in a nice welcoming way. Rather, it sounded like the voice of Death himself. "The beginning of the rest of my life" at this point of time is akin a dungeon pit to me, filled with darkness and grimly beings and I am in the centre of it all, with my life being slowly sucked out of me in a painfully agonizing manner.

The background to my tale of doom and gloom starts with the resignation of a colleague at work. I had a very difficult meeting with my manager yesterday. It was a one sided conversation with me hitting a brick wall at each and every turn. After the meeting, I felt demoralized. I have been given added responsibilities which promises increased stress at work and longer hours. On top of that, I lack support both from my manager and the rest of the team. I told DH that I am overwhelmed by a deep sense of loneliness. Everyone is looking out for themselves and at my expense. I feel trampled, squashed like a bug.

I asked God what He wants me to do at this stage of my life. Do I stick it out here, do my best at work and trust that He will give me the strength to face the challenges that lie ahead without sacrificing my time with my family? Alternatively, does He want me to trust Him to provide for our needs in particular the new mortgage payments and I will move on to find something less stressful and demanding? I don't have any answers and neither do I have a sense of peace in this matter.

On the flip side, I know God has blessed my family and I with many things. We have developed good friendships with the people in our church cell group. Coincidentally enough, last Saturday's meeting touched on loneliness and how God is still in the midst of our loneliness. Nothing catches Him by surprise. He is holding us in his hands when we go through such dark periods.

I started my writing course in February last year. A year later, I am a regular writer on a local parenting webzine with a large regional readership. I have definitely come a long way since the beginning of my writing course. Unfortunately, the thing I love doing doesn't pay the bills. All the writing books I've read advised me not to give up my day job. Write in the midst of your struggles. Make the bad times work for you. Use them as material for your writing. No time to write? Write whenever you can. In the train, in the bathroom, while waiting for your computer to boot up, when your son is playing with his toys, write within your daily routine and amongst the numerous mundane activities that you do. Just write!

That's what I'm doing now. It keeps me sane even if it doesn't make me rich. Well, maybe it does but not in the material sense. I am richer in that writing frees my soul, allowing me to sing my songs of life and hopefully, touches the souls of others too.