It has been more than a month since my last post. I realise that it's harder to come back and write something here when I've been away from it for longer than my usual spell. I have many thoughts and experiences over the past month that I am dying to share but it's all bottled up inside and I don't really know how to start. So, I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind, hence the title "Big thoughts, little thoughts".
1. A big change - we have moved house! It was exhilarating, fulfilling and yet extremely stressful. I hope this is a keeper as I don't want to move again…at least not for a few decades! We couldn't have done it without the loving support of both sets of parents. There is a lot of adjustment given the new surroundings. Finding the right light switch in the middle of the night is still challenging! DH asked me the other evening when Osh Osh was happily playing in the nearby playground, "So, is this worth the price we paid for the house?" My reply was "No" and I went on to explain that we now have a big mortgage to pay off. That's the practical "me" talking. I then smiled and DH understood that I agreed with him that it's worth the money to see Osh Osh so happy. The move for us represents the next phase in our lives, leaving the past hurts and ugly memories behind and moving forward to a better life.
2. We survived Chinese New Year and lived to talk about it! Okay, it's not that bad but this is the first Chinese New Year where my inlaws travelled with us to stay at my parents' home for 10 days. That has never happened before and I was worried if it would turn out disastrous. What was I thinking when I asked them to come along with us? Did I suffer a momentary lapse of sanity? Yes, they get along but they get along better when they only see each other once every few months and are only under the same roof for not more than a few hours. 10 days…that's phenomenal. However, DH and I felt that this was the right thing to do. My inlaws needed a break and my parents wanted us to be home for the holidays. We prayed a lot about it and throughout the stay as well. There were moments when it was touch and go and I was thinking, "Oh no! Will everything fall apart?" God blessed our intentions and the stay was without any adverse consequences. I'm not saying that there has been a tremendous improvement in their relationship with each other but it's a good start in the right direction. Nevertheless, I told DH, "Let's think about doing this again…6 years from now!"
3. Bringing up Osh Osh. Osh Osh has grown leaps and bounds in the past few months. His physical stature is that of an older boy beyond his natural age. I can't carry him anymore because it would hurt my back. There are still times when he wants to be carried especially when it's at the end of the day and he's feeling very tired. He understands why I can't carry him and after some persuasion, he will carry on walking on his own without any fuss. If Daddy is there, he will cling to Daddy's leg and not let Daddy walk away without carrying him. Daddy always gives in to him! Osh Osh has a large appetite for learning new things. I have to keep up with him as he asks me new things every day and I sometimes end up saying, " I don't know!" God has blessed him with the love for music. Osh Osh sings and plays tunes on his keyboard every day. Last night, he told me he wanted to teach me a new church song and sang, "Jesus is my Lord, Jesus is my everything" and asked me to sing along with him. It warms my heart to see God at work in his life. I pray that he will continue to grow well in the Lord and touch the lives of others.
4. God is good all the time! This is a phrase which Christians overuse,sometimes flippantly. More often than not, we do not really believe it. At least, not when it's applied to our lives personally. We are happy to wish it to others but when someone tells us that God is good to us all the time, we find that hard to swallow. That's how I viewed it. I went through so many periods of unanswered prayers in my life. The unbearable silence. The endless waiting hours, days, weeks, months, years. A sense of being lost and abandoned. Hopelessness. Despair. Anger. Darkness. Last Sunday's sermon was an incredible eye-opener for me. It was a simple sermon. God answers prayers. The answers may not be what we're expecting but He answers our petitions and cries for help. We have to believe Him, live according to His will and persevere. Do not give up hope. Just keep praying even when you are at your last straw. DH and I keep telling ourselves to pray for our difficult issues…just pray for one more day. When the next day comes, pray again. The pastor was saying, "So, you believe Him and you live and pray according to His will and yet there is silence. What happened?" He explained that he doesn't have all the answers but there may be a lapse of time/hinderance/obstacle in the spiritual world which prevents us from seeing the answers immediately in our present physical world. It doesn't mean that the answer is lost in transmission. It just takes longer to get to us. Once the answer arrives and if it's not the one that we hoped for, it doesn't mean that God is against us. He has other plans or it's not the right time or maybe we are not to know the answer in this life. I don't know but what I do know is that He has answered our prayers and will keep answering them.
5. Spring, summer, autumn or winter? Which season of marriage are we in now? I think we're in the summer stage. We are definitely not in the spring "new love, new hopes and excitement" stage. Neither are we in the winter stage of coldness, bitterness and despair although at one point of our marriage a few years ago, we were in the deepest depths of winter. As for autumn - a season of changes, somewhat cold and uncertain, we were also there before but we have come a long way since then. So why summer? Summer is always a busy time with lots of activities. That succinctly describes our lives now. It's a fun time and that's what we're experiencing in our parenting experience with Osh Osh at the moment. It's also a very busy time for us in our careers. I am aware of the dangers of being so busy. We compromise quality couple time to meet other commitments. We may neglect each other's needs, be less sensitive, more irritable and more prone to take each other for granted. I know that both of us will do what we can to prevent a season change unless of course, it means moving into spring! Do you think that's possible? There is always hope...
And my last thought for this post…
Write till I drop! I've not been writing for at least a month now and each day, I have this feeling that something is missing. I recently submitted 2 articles to the parenting website that I've been writing for these past few months. It's a start but I know it's not enough. What do I really want to write about? That is something I have to dig deep into my soul and patiently listen to its quiet promptings. Muse, I am waiting…speak now!