Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Do I trust Him?

Last week, a number of incidents happened that caused me to feel like I'm a tossed around little life raft in a raging sea in the middle of the nightmarish storm. The storm is starting to settle but the feeling of peace is not quite in my possession yet.

Osh Osh was sick with a viral fever all of last week. His high stubborn fever would not go away. The fever only broke last Saturday morning after a full 6 day course of medication. Osh Osh remained happy and optimistic throughout the ordeal although his Mummy was a horrible emotional wreck shackled with excessive worry. I was also very stretched with work demands because our global head from London was in our office. DH and I were also still very preoccupied with our search for a new home.

I felt so worn out after nights of interrupted restless sleep. Everything seemed to overwhelm me. I prayed and asked God for His help, for clarity and for guidance. Our property search has taken on a new twist. God does answer prayers but in His answers to us, I believe I have been given a new test. This test challenges my trust in God and also my belief and confidence in the strength of my marriage relationship with DH. In this test, I have to question myself to see how much I really trust God to work in us as a couple.

At this moment, I know I have not passed the test. I pray that I will have a clearer longer term vision of our marriage and God's will in our lives. I want so much to trust God and DH completely but I know I am holding back. To fully trust for me is like free-falling hundreds of thousands of feet above ground level, without a parachute. I can hear the "splat" so clearly in my mind that it sends chills down my spine.

However, I know I cannot carry on pretending to be in control of things that are clearly beyond my control. I come to God numerous times during the day to seek his assurance and strength. So like a little child holding on tightly to her mother's skirt, I was clinging on to my own perceived reality that I could resolve all the conflicts with my own strength and intellect. Therefore, like that child who, after much coaxing, finally released her grip and ran along to play happily, free of fear; I am slowly releasing my grip on my perceived notion of personal strength and wisdom, finger by finger. I force myself to remember and trust that God, like the child's mother, only wants what is best for me.

If I keep lacking trust and belief that His plans for me are meant for good, I will never be able to live a confident fulfilled life. As you know, life is not lived behind someone's skirt. It is lived by running in an open field, falling down and getting cuts and bruises; but at the same time, always knowing that you can run home at any time, tear-stained face and all, to the one who is waiting for you with bandages, a hot cup of chocolate and an unlimited amount of unconditional love.

Friday, June 19, 2009

It's all about timing!


On that note, you can guess I didn't have the right timing.

What's the story?

I received my writing tutor's comments on my third assignment yesterday. She thought it was a really good piece of work and definitely worthy of publication (her words, not mine). I was over the moon as new budding writers' egos are very fragile. They crave and yearn hungrily for compliments and are unduly harsh and judgmental on themselves, or so I've read.

My article is titled "Budget Prince Charming". It's a tongue in cheek article meant for the market of men magazines or women magazines with a specific column for men. It provides useful and easy to apply suggestions on how men can woo their women without burning a hole in their pocket.

I have several magazines in mind as my market. One of them was Men's Health. When I checked out their website, there was already a similar article titled "Charm Her Socks Off" written by the female columnist of that magazine! Although our articles are not similar, her opening paragraph had references to Prince Charming. I don't think the magazine will consider my article as they wouldn't want to be accused of harping on the same subject matter two months in a row.

I've just submitted my article to two other magazines and prayed about it. I also wrote a short story for a women's Christian magazine in Australia. They won't pay for the article as it is a small publication but they said the writers will be blessed by God for sharing stories of encouragement to other Christian readers. As you know, I'm not in this for the money but of course, if God blesses me with a cheque, I will not turn it away!

Sunday, June 14, 2009


DH and I celebrated our sixth year wedding anniversary last Friday. We checked ourselves into a local hotel by the river while my parents who are staying with us this week, looked after Osh Osh for us. This is indeed a luxury for us, having this rare opportunity to spend time together.

It's been a good three days two nights stay. We prayed, studied the Bible, talked, went shopping, lazed around, went to the pool and the gym, watched a DVD and of course, made love. We reconnected and recommitted our lives to God. We prayed and spoke honestly about our hurts and disappointments in life. I cried, wrestled with my own disbelief, anger and frustration and spent a lot of time thinking. The end result? Both DH and I have resolved to love God wholeheartedly and to let nothing in our lives become more important than God. DH commented that this is such a tall order but we want to return to God.

When we were watching Facing the Giants, I was so moved by Brooke's struggle with infertility. It touched a very raw part of my life. I was in tears when Brooke told God that she will still love him no matter what, after her doctor's visit and finding out that her pregnancy result was once again, negative. However, as she was about to drive away, the nurse came running out of the clinic to stop her. It turned out that there was a mix up and she was given the wrong information. Brooke was pregnant. She was overjoyed!

I felt envious. I want so much for God to answer my prayers that way! It just seemed to tie up so nicely in the movie. Two years later after her miracle baby, she was pregnant again. It was the ideal happy ending - the infertile couple now has two children! Does God answer our prayers in real life? The answer is yes although we have to accept that His answers may not be the ones we want. However, firstly, we must love God wholeheartedly and hold nothing back. Nothing in our lives, not even the hope of having another child, must be of a higher priority than loving God with all our hearts. We have to trust God that His plans for us are for our ultimate good.

We have been studying the Bible using the study guide in the DVD. It prompted us to have a very honest look at our own lives and where we have strayed. I did not come to the conclusion in the paragraph above easily. When DH said that we are to love God no matter what, even if it means we may never have another child, I sobbed uncontrollably. My eyes are starting to tear as I am writing this.

However, I know that I have put my own desire of having another child above loving and serving God with all my heart. It is because I want one so much! I do not have the answers as to why God has not answered our prayer with a yes or whether He will ever say yes to this.

What I do know is that I am taking a step of faith in saying that I will love God no matter what. No matter how many months or even years of disappointments lie ahead, no matter how many times I cry myself to sleep at nights, no matter how many times I have to put up a brave front when others ask me why we are not having another child, no matter how many times I feel angry and frustrated...no matter what...I love God with all my heart.

Monday, June 8, 2009



That's what God is telling us in reply to our prayers.

He said "No" when DH and I prayed hard for him to pass his exams in London.

He said "No" to our prayers of having a second child which we have been praying for since April 2008.

He said "No" recently to our prayers of finding a better place to live. Our house hunting started last October but the intensity of our search picked up since early May this year.

I broke down and cried in my in laws' home yesterday evening when we attempted to place an offer for a house after much prayers and planning our budget. The property agent said that the house was sold in the morning. I was devastated as I believed that this was the house God wanted us to make the offer for. Again, the "No" answer was right there before me. I couldn’t be strong anymore so the sobbing started and just couldn't stop. Osh Osh tried his best to comfort me. He said that he will use all the coins in his coin pouch to buy me a new house. Bless his little heart!

It's not just the house incident that I was crying over. It was everything. The years of God saying "No" to us in respect of all our major prayers. It is very draining for us to keep being positive when we present matters that are close to our heart to God and His reply is "No".

Will we ever get a "Yes"?