Friday, October 31, 2008

What happens next?

DH and I did not fight and I know many of you were concerned that I would beat the living daylights out of him. I didn't.

I didn't go the airport and when he arrived home, I was tucking Osh Osh in to bed. DH asked why I was cold towards him and I told him I will explain later as I wanted to get Osh Osh to sleep first. His parents didn't tell him what I told them (I had spoken to them earlier explaining why I didn't want to go to the airport).

To cut a long story short (because I am just so tired and drained at the moment and typing this from work), DH's opinion is that it wasn't because he started off on the wrong foot for the first day. He genuinely didn't know the answers to a few questions and even if he had arrived 3 hours earlier to the exam centre, he still wouldn't have gotten it right.

I apologized to him for jumping to that conclusion. I reiterated that I feel that it is such a waste of effort and hard work on his part if it was due to the delay of arriving at the exam centre. He repeated saying it wasn't because of that.

However, as expected, he felt that I should be more supportive to him at this time. I told him I am unable to do that.

It's not just this exam and him failing it. I am just so disappointed and drained. All 5 years of our marriage, I've been putting my life on hold for him to clear these exams which he promised me that I can "start my life" after he passes. My life meaning what I want to do in my career, what I want to pursue. As his job takes so much out of him, I have to be the one to be there for Osh Osh when he needs a parent. He used to tell me that once he passes, he would have more time for the family because he doesn't need to study anymore and then I can embark on what I want to do.

Looks like that has to be shelved for now. I feel like I'm living with an empty shell of a husband.

DH isn’t really around even when he's home. He's just detached mentally and emotionally. His reason - he is distracted with his studies and exams. Sometimes, I feel that although he is physically at home, he's not with us. Well, that is going to carry on for another year. I have spoken to him many times about this; about how we're not connecting anymore and about how he doesn't connect with Osh Osh. His reply - he will change.

He's often hot tempered and he takes it out on me and Osh Osh when he is fed up with all his studies and exam stress, when he feels that his colleagues have moved on ahead of him, when he feels he's been short-changed by God. We've talked at length about his temper many many many times. His reply - he will change.

How do I feel today? I told him last night, a part of me has died. He went back to sleep.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Unspeakable anger

That is exactly what I am feeling right now.
DH's friends sent text messages to say that DH failed. Most of them passed.
My unspeakable anger is not towards God. It's towards DH.
I feel that he brought this onto himself when he couldn't get a taxi to the exam venue on his first day and ended up all flustered when he got there. He had studied so hard and I just feel that this failure is just such a waste and could have been prevented.
I know I am using the word "feel" and yes, I agree I am very emotional now.
Some of my friends have sent me text messages and emailed, asking me to calm down and to think of our marriage as he needs my support at a time like this.
I just can't do it. I am not going to the airport. His parents will be there. They can give him the support which I am not able to do so now.

In limbo!

It's about 9 hours more before DH is home. It's been such a stressful week for all of us. As most of you know, I've been sending out prayer requests for him and yes, I'm behaving as though I'm the one sitting for the exams! Thank you all for standing beside me on this, being united in prayer and "holding" my hand (even though some of you are miles away), telling me, stay calm, stay calm...breathe!

Yes, DH started the first day of his exams with a hiccup as he had great difficulty in getting a taxi (despite the fact that he easily found a taxi the day before on his dry run to the exam centre) and was flustered throughout the day. I'm praying that God will turn things around and make things good for him. He's probably finished his last oral exams as I type this (before 4 examiners) and is probably on his way back to the hotel to check out. He needs to get to the airport by 2pm to check in for his flight home.

His results will be out this evening. As he will be airborne, he's asked a friend who's staying over the weekend to check it out for him (it will be posted on a notice board outside the exam centre) and she will send him a text message. So we will know the outcome when he arrives at the airport. I guess the expression of his face will give it away. However, I must admit a lot of times, DH's face is quite expressionless!

Osh Osh is also having an exciting day today. He and his friends together with his teachers took a bus this morning to the venue for an onsite rehearsal of his graduation concert. The concert is late November so it's timely for them to start rehearsing now. I was talking to one of his teachers this morning and she said it can be quite stressful for the kids as they have a lot of routine to remember. I hope that despite that, Osh Osh will still enjoy himself.

I'm working from home today to save the travelling time as I need to pick Osh Osh up from school earlier, let him have dinner earlier so that all of us can head to the airport in time to welcome DH home. However, I must not let Osh Osh know that by going to the airport, he will miss watching Ben 10 on tv this evening! If he realises that, between Ben 10 and greeting his Daddy at the airport, can you guess what his little heart will desire more??

Yup, Ben 10 will win hands competition at all! :)

Seriously, whatever the outcome of DH's exams, I pray for peace and strength for him and for us to accept what God has planned for us. All in good time...8 hours and 47 more minutes to go...tick tick tick...

Monday, October 27, 2008


I don't feel like writing much. DH is in Hong Kong now and tomorrow's the first day of his exams. I'll be at work at that time (9.45am) and yes, although it's not me sitting for the exams, I can feel his stress and his anxiety! I've not spoken to him yet and will call him later tonight.
There's so much riding on this exam for him and well, in an indirect way, for us as well. Once he passes, there will be no more exams to take and he will have more family time with us. I'm praying that he will make it through this time!
Well, I can't think of anything else to write. I'm just feeling quite stressed and restless and in some ways, helpless too. Will keep praying. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The sweetest voice

I rarely get the chance to hear Osh Osh's voice on the phone as I'm always with him and it's usually his Daddy or his grandparents who call him.

Today was my turn! It's such a rarity and such a treat!
My Mum's here to help me out while DH leaves for Hong Kong for his exams this Sunday and he will be away for about a week.

So, on my way out of the office, I called home to see if everything is ok. Osh Osh didn't go to school today because Mum wanted to spend more time with him. While talking to Mum, she told me that Osh Osh wanted to speak to me.

I heard the softest, sweetest voice on the phone, after a second or two of silence. My conversation with Osh Osh went like this:

"Can you show me Ben 10 on your computer?"
(His favourite cartoon of the hour! I went online last night to look up the names of Ben's 10 aliens - they go by names like Ripjaw, Four Arms, Stink Fly, Grey Matter and some names which I can't remember. He wanted to see them again tonight. Osh Osh can remember and describe each alien character accurately and he just loves looking at them - don't ask me why! Something I will never understand as I think the aliens look ugly.)

"Yes, but you have to wait until Mummy comes home first"

"Ok" then he continues (I later asked Mum if she had prompted him and she said yes. It doesn't matter because he said it and I'm sure deep down inside his little heart, he meant it too.)

"I love you, Mummy"

"Can you come home?"

"Yes, I'm coming. Have you eaten dinner?"


"Go eat dinner and be good. Don't give Poh Poh (meaning my Mum) a hard time. Mummy will show you Ben 10 on the computer when Mummy is back"


"I miss you, Mummy"

"See you later" and he passes the phone back to Mum.

I was smiling all the time I was on the phone with him, while walking to the train station. Hearing Osh Osh's voice over the phone made all the stress, tension and fatigue from work melt away. I thanked God for blessing me with him.

Somehow, this phone call was like a wake up call for me, to stop and really take stock of what matters in my life. My family, the people I love. Not my job (although lately, I've been so bogged down by matters at work including the uncertainty of keeping my job), not where I live, not whether I can afford a vacation, not whether I have enough money for retirement...yes, I know all these things are important too but I shouldn't let them overwhelm or consume me.

I hurried into the train...all I wanted to do was to go home and give my little man the biggest hug and kiss I could muster...simply because he said, "I love you, Mummy".

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Clumsy feet dance

This morning was a bit of a rush. Although it's a Saturday, DH has to attend an all day tutorial for his coming exams. I was trying to meet Osh Osh's needs and fix breakfast (trust me, he has a lot of demands when he wakes up) while DH was busy sorting out documents before he left.

Amidst our busyness, I decided to give him a longer hug than usual in the kitchen. Somehow, we started to sway while hugging. Before we knew it, we were doing a two-step dance, moving around the kitchen. We were clumsy but we didn't step on each other's toes. We didn't want to stop but we both had things to do and DH was running late. So we stopped.

Throughout the day, I thought of that moment and I sent DH a text message telling him that thinking about it made me smile. He replied that he was also thinking of it and it made him smile too. :)

We've been under a lot of stress lately that moments like this morning are rare. The little dance we had made me think. We may never be the "Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers" type of married couple who has their every step synchronized to each beat of the music of life. Nevertheless, we don't fare too badly ourselves. There are times we are too absorbed in our own daily activities and our own problems that we fail to hear each other's rhythm and end up hurting each other by stomping on each other's feet. However, when we slow down, make the effort and really tune in to each other, we realise we hear the same notes and feel the same rhythm and together, we dance a happy dance of marriage, albeit somewhat clumsily at times, but always together.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Something's not quite right

I'm sick again! I seem to be falling ill every month! What gives?? There's definitely something not quite right with me.

I had my gynae appointment yesterday morning (the usual annual routine check up) and she said all was fine with me. I told her that I've been having problems trying to conceive a second child and she said not to worry. I wanted to have some tests done to see if I'm infertile. She said that can wait as she thinks I'm normal and don't have any problems. She did say that stress is definitely a factor and yes, DH and I have been so stressed, him with his studies, exams and work and me with work, Osh Osh and surprise, surprise, trying to conceive! It's a catch 22 situation. I shouldn't be stressed about the thing I'm so stressed about!!

My gynae is a really nice lady. She was very positive. When it was time for me to go, I said I'll see her next year to which she replied with a smile, "No, I'll see you when you're pregnant".
After my check-up,I went back to work. That was when I started feeling feverish. Guess there must be something in the air in the office! :P Seriously, the fever was high so I couldn't sit there and do any more work. I went back home to nap.

DH brought Osh Osh back from school together with his parents. I was still sleeping when all of them came home. DH and Osh Osh came into the room to see how I was. Osh Osh was happily carrying a paper star which he did for his art and craft session. As my fever was high and I was slightly delusional, I couldn't quite make out who that little boy was. He didn't look like Osh Osh, rather he looked like an older boy and oddly unfamiliar. Anyway, he happily chattered away (I can't remember what he said) and left the room. DH had to leave too as he had another study session to attend in the evening. My inlaws helped look after Osh Osh the rest of the evening until Osh Osh turned in for the night.

Today, Osh Osh is at my inlaws' home. We decided not to send him to school as there are some cases of Hand Foot & Mouth disease there, one of whom was a boy in Osh Osh's class. As it's highly contagious, we thought it was best to keep him away from school for the next few days. I think I may have it as apart from the fever, I have many ulcers in my mouth! That's one of the symptoms!

So far, Osh Osh is fine. He had a mild fever over the weekend but it subsided 2 days ago. DH is keeping his distance from me as this is a crucial revision time for him with his exams being less than 2 weeks away and he doesn't want to fall ill.

Right now, I'm home. As I'm writing this post, it is quiet outside. I've just done the laundry and hung them out to dry. Not sure what to eat for lunch as my mouth and throat hurt. Maybe I'll just drink some milk.

Back to my hunch that something's not quite right. DH said that every time I go through a very stressful period, I'll fall ill a few days after that. That's what happened to me last month and it's happening again this month. He said I should learn to cope with stress better and have better control of my emotions. I have to agree with him on that. I tend to be very emotional and always seem to mull about things, over and over again until it eats me up!

Maybe I should have a lobotomy! Hmm...that's too severe, isn't it? Take up yoga?? Any suggestions? Don't let me mull alone!!!!!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Moving up!

Osh Osh sleeps in his own room down the corridor from ours. However, all this time, he's been sleeping on a mattress on the floor as we thought he wasn't ready for his own bed yet. We also thought that with him rolling about so much in his sleep, he'll probably injure himself by falling off a bed.

Lately, Osh Osh has been asking to sleep on a bed. We took him seriously and decided to give him a trial run on the guest bed. We started 3 nights ago and he's been sleeping well on it. I believe there's familiarity there as my Mum sleeps on that bed when she visits and he often goes over to play with her and have his bedtime stories read there by her.

Today, we decided to give him his very own bed. DH has an old foldable IKEA bed which is kept in our storeroom. He decided to take it out. It's the size of a single bed and not very high off the ground so it's just right for Osh Osh. DH spent a lot of time cleaning the frame and mending one of its support planks. He also vacuumed the mattress as it was dusty.

We set up the bed together. We leaned his old mattress against the wall and propped the bed against it. That way, when Osh Osh rolls towards the wall, he won't hit his head against the hard wall. Osh Osh chose one of his old bed sheet which has Mickey Mouse and Lightning McQueen (the red car from Cars) on it - my Mum found the material and made it for Osh Osh.

We also put some pillows and his favourite soft toys on the bed. We also put another mattress on the floor next to the bed so that if he does roll off the bed, he won't land on the floor with a loud thud!

Here's the end result! :)

Osh Osh was really happy with the end result too. He leapt onto the bed, declaring that he likes his bed, his new bed, very much. He slept very well in it during his afternoon nap. Well, it's almost his bed time I better end this post here. I guess moving from the mattress to the bed is a step up for him...showing us that he's indeed growing up! :)

Friday, October 10, 2008

Recession and regression

I'm not having a good morning today. Osh Osh was in a difficult, "I refuse to cooperate with you" type of mood from the moment he woke up until he got to school. I asked him to brush his teeth and get dressed and he refused to budge! He insisted on wearing his "sleeping clothes" (that's what he calls his pajamas) and curled up like a ball and covered his face with his hands so that I couldn't get to him. Argh!

When I eventually got him ready, he wanted to be carried and he said, "Like baby". This means I was to carry him horizontally with his head near my breasts, just like when he was a baby. So I humoured him as we were still home. However, my mistake! Osh Osh wanted me to carry him in the same way when we were outside! I don't know why he wanted to be a baby again. I figured it's because I scolded him in the morning for being difficult and he just wanted to be affectionate.

Anyway, he's in school now and I should get some work done. I'm also feeling low, partly due to the difficult morning, partly due to what I read in the papers today that recession has officially started for us here. I wonder what lies ahead with the world economy looking so gloomly. Will we all get to keep our jobs? Will what we earn be enough for our daily needs? Nothing we can do now but wait it out.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Scared silly!

Osh Osh was very well behaved all of yesterday which made it a very happy and relaxing Saturday for me. He even cooperated patiently when I cut his hair yesterday evening. He kept still for what would be a very long time for a preschooler. I normally have to rush when I cut his hair as he can't stay still. However, this time, I could take it slow and do a nicer job.

He asked me to comb it like how Peter Parker combs his (yes, he knows Peter Parker is Spiderman's alter ego) i.e side parting. He seemed very pleased with the end result. :) He said, "Mummy, my hair very nice" when I gave him a mirror to evaluate his new hairdo.

Anyway, DH was at work all of Saturday. After I put Osh Osh to sleep around 10pm (half an hour later than his normal bedtime as I decided to give him a treat for being so good), I sent a text message to DH to check if he could come home instead of staying over at his workplace. He replied he can leave after 11pm. So I decided to stay up and wait for him. I turned on the tv and there was this movie titled The Ring, which was the American remake of the Japanese horror film of the same name. Here's the link to the movie if you are keen:

I love watching horror films but I suffer from being very scared afterwards and have difficulty sleeping. Needless to say, this was one of those movies that I find myself drawn to although part of me just wanted to switch off the tv and run away! I was watching it from behind a small pillow covering my face (yes, you can start laughing at me) with my legs curled up on the sofa.

DH arrived home after 12midnight just as the movie ended. He found me on the sofa, pale and unable to move (yes, keep laughing!) and asked me, "Was that The Ring you watched?". He knew I was watching it as I had told him earlier that I was going to watch a horror movie while waiting for him. When he saw the state I was in, he smiled and gave me a big hug. Good of him not to tease me!

It helped that he came home just in the nick of time. Otherwise, I would have been too scared to move or go to bed. DH - my lifesaver! Whew! I think I will give horror films a rest! It's not good to scare myself silly again!