Osh Osh wet his bed this morning. He didn't want to wear a diaper last night due to the praises he received from his teachers at school yesterday for not wetting his mattress during afternoon nap. I tried my best to explain to him that he's not ready to sleep without a diaper at night because the hours of slumber are much longer at night as compared to an afternoon nap of only an hour or two. Osh Osh insisted and was close to tears when I said he still needed to wear diapers.
We made a decision to respect his decision and hoped for the best. At 5am, I woke up because I had to go to the toilet myself and went over to his room to check on him. Unfortunately, he was soaked, together with his bolster, towel, extra bed sheet and rubber mat (which I had put on top of his original bed sheet) and his bed sheet as well. When I woke him up to clean him and change his pajamas, he was still drowsy and mumbled, "I didn't wet my bed in school'. I told him that he wasn't in school, that he was in his room and that he did wet his bed.
I spent the next hour washing all the soiled stuff, not wanting to disturb DH because he has a long day at work today. I tried my best to be patient but at such an early hour in the morning, it's an arduous task to have the calmness of Mother Theresa.
When DH woke up and got Osh Osh ready for school, I told DH that I know now why I am so unhappy. I am not cut out for married life. I would have been happier back home and single. I would have been happier working in my old job. It was a stressful job but at least, I was good in it. Right now, I'm not good at work or at home. I am not a go-getter at work. As a result, I will not be going anywhere in the company. As for family life, I feel like I'm struggling to get my act together.
I love DH. DH is a good man. I told DH that it's not his fault. We should have never gotten married. We could have carried on dating and have a long distance relationship. I know he misses his life back in England. We could fly over to see each other during holidays and live a jet-setting lifestyle. Work hard, play hard and have wild sex each time we meet up! I know this doesn't sound very Christian-like and seems to go against my own belief and values.
However, I want that sweaty palms, palpitating hearbeat, "I'm so excited to see you and I can't wait to tear your clothes off" type of feeling which we used to have. Right now, it's more like "I'm glad you're home because now you can help me with the dishes and get Osh Osh to do his writing exercises".
Last Sunday, I asked DH if he missed that feeling too and he said yes. He said the stresses of life and lack of time has taken it away from us. We need time and a lot of effort to get it back and I don't know if we can.
It's not Osh Osh's fault either. Being his mother is the greatest blessing for me. However, to be honest, it is also the greatest burden. It's two sides of the same coin. I know most mothers can handle the honourable task of motherhood very well. I'm just not one of them. The sight of soiled diapers, puked up food and the topsy-turvy house strewn with toys; and the sounds of endless wailing, whining and shouting overpower and drown the joys of motherhood for me, especially on days like these. Maybe, God has more insight than I give Him credit for. Maybe, this is why I am not able to conceive another child. He knows I can't handle another one!
So...how do I cope with this life I have? I know you folks don't want me to whine anymore so I will head to the kitchen. Let me see if I have a tub of chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer. If not, I will definitely add that to my shopping list today!