Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Ugly Side of Motherhood

I'm coping with the ugly side of motherhood by trying to smother it with a huge quarter chunk of sinful chocolate cake for breakfast! Now, you know why I can't seem to lose any weight!

Osh Osh wet his bed this morning. He didn't want to wear a diaper last night due to the praises he received from his teachers at school yesterday for not wetting his mattress during afternoon nap. I tried my best to explain to him that he's not ready to sleep without a diaper at night because the hours of slumber are much longer at night as compared to an afternoon nap of only an hour or two. Osh Osh insisted and was close to tears when I said he still needed to wear diapers.

We made a decision to respect his decision and hoped for the best. At 5am, I woke up because I had to go to the toilet myself and went over to his room to check on him. Unfortunately, he was soaked, together with his bolster, towel, extra bed sheet and rubber mat (which I had put on top of his original bed sheet) and his bed sheet as well. When I woke him up to clean him and change his pajamas, he was still drowsy and mumbled, "I didn't wet my bed in school'. I told him that he wasn't in school, that he was in his room and that he did wet his bed.

I spent the next hour washing all the soiled stuff, not wanting to disturb DH because he has a long day at work today. I tried my best to be patient but at such an early hour in the morning, it's an arduous task to have the calmness of Mother Theresa.

When DH woke up and got Osh Osh ready for school, I told DH that I know now why I am so unhappy. I am not cut out for married life. I would have been happier back home and single. I would have been happier working in my old job. It was a stressful job but at least, I was good in it. Right now, I'm not good at work or at home. I am not a go-getter at work. As a result, I will not be going anywhere in the company. As for family life, I feel like I'm struggling to get my act together.

I love DH. DH is a good man. I told DH that it's not his fault. We should have never gotten married. We could have carried on dating and have a long distance relationship. I know he misses his life back in England. We could fly over to see each other during holidays and live a jet-setting lifestyle. Work hard, play hard and have wild sex each time we meet up! I know this doesn't sound very Christian-like and seems to go against my own belief and values.

However, I want that sweaty palms, palpitating hearbeat, "I'm so excited to see you and I can't wait to tear your clothes off" type of feeling which we used to have. Right now, it's more like "I'm glad you're home because now you can help me with the dishes and get Osh Osh to do his writing exercises".

Last Sunday, I asked DH if he missed that feeling too and he said yes. He said the stresses of life and lack of time has taken it away from us. We need time and a lot of effort to get it back and I don't know if we can.

It's not Osh Osh's fault either. Being his mother is the greatest blessing for me. However, to be honest, it is also the greatest burden. It's two sides of the same coin. I know most mothers can handle the honourable task of motherhood very well. I'm just not one of them. The sight of soiled diapers, puked up food and the topsy-turvy house strewn with toys; and the sounds of endless wailing, whining and shouting overpower and drown the joys of motherhood for me, especially on days like these. Maybe, God has more insight than I give Him credit for. Maybe, this is why I am not able to conceive another child. He knows I can't handle another one! do I cope with this life I have? I know you folks don't want me to whine anymore so I will head to the kitchen. Let me see if I have a tub of chocolate chip ice cream in the freezer. If not, I will definitely add that to my shopping list today!


mummyof3 said...

i see you're having a little choc and pity party all by yourself. will pen you a nice long email tomorrow morn. meantime, cheer up. it's not ALL dread and drudgery. do check out the silver lining and the blessings dept.

also, as my good friend ask me - are you pms-ing? take your epo!

see u in the morn.

Sarah said...

I think it's easy, when you're in that dark place, to think that most mothers handle it well. I've come to realise that love is staying in it, even when you want to run screaming in the other direction. Which I do, frequently. I admire your honesty - if more mothers were this honest, the 'motherhood is so wonderful all the time' myth would cease to exist, and we could stop beating ourselves up when we *gasp* don't enjoy it. I came across a blog the other day that addressed this topic - here's the link:

Just know that you are not alone, and sometimes, yes - it sucks. But there are lots of not-so-sucky times as well, and they will happen more often as time goes by. As for the 'sweaty palms' thing - it will come back, eventually. At least that's what I'm hoping for!

Busybugz said...

Thanks, ladies for your comments which I feel the love in! :)

Am I PMS-ing? I am MS-ing! Hahahaha as in yes, I'm having it now. Will things be better Post-MSing?? :P

Sarah, hugs to you. I needed to hear that!

mummyof3 said...

hi again

just to add:

1) why were you washing soiled bedlinen for 1 hr? give them a quick soak n rinse n throw them into the washing machine! tt's what they're for.

2) why writing exercises for Osh Osh? just bring home a stack of draft paper fr the office, give him a bunch of pens n let him scrawl n draw happily. tt'll help him better his grip n fine motor skills w/o stress.

3) i feel each n every line of yr post n was nodding in agreement. heh! just want u to know tt it's ok to scream, wallow in choc, cry n rail at life's unfairness. it does help to let it all out (as i did recently, too). : )

take care (and take your epo - lol!)

Serotinous Me said...

It's GRAND when someone thinks you're the BEST mummy in the world. The conspiracy of perfection and ideals created to bully mothers should certainly be shot down, though. I'd give them your washing to do! xxx