While I'm Waiting...

I have nothing planned for this Saturday morning and I'm amazingly happy! DH is not home today as he's working today. Osh Osh is sitting beside me, watching his cartoons on tv. Osh Osh and I both had our morning beverage boosters - him, his milk and me, my thick milky coffee and our lunch is cooking in the crock pot. The laundry was done last night and our home is clean.

I feel at peace. There is no need for me to rush around to get things done. No school bags to pack, no letters to sort, no phone calls to make, no work email messages to reply. Nothing. It's so nice to not have to do anything. In these calm moments, I'm thinking. Yes, as you know by now, I think a lot. DH thinks I think too much!

I'm thinking that I'm only at peace when everything is in order and I am in control. That's why it is so complicated for me when I have to deal with stress. Stress and external circumstances throw me off my balanced footing simply because I am not in control.

I know this is not a healthy way to live life. I should learn to let go and trust that God has everything under control, that whatever hardships I'm going through now, He will give me the strength and resilience to sustain and live through it. I can hear DH's voice in my head, saying "Be flexible." He often says this when he sees that I am bogged down by circumstances imposed on me which are not within my control.

The biggest "thorn in my side" now is my inability to conceive another child. I do all that I can to conceive, including planing the timing we make love and adopting the optimum love making positions to increase chances of conception. Then, each month, we fail. It is so frustrating for me as this is an area that is not within my control. I know it's frustrating for DH as well as I take away the spontaneity of our love making by all my obsessive planning. Logically, I know that I am not rational but in my heart, I want this so much that somehow, by my own irrational logic, I think I can do a better job than God by doing all that I can to control the circumstances.

As a result, I end up disheartened, depressed, disillusioned and drained.

Then, God spoke to me through a song that I have been listening to. The song is from the soundtrack of the movie, Fireproof, titled "While I'm Waiting" sung by John Waller. The lyrics are as follows:

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

God used John Waller's song to enlighten me about keeping my perspective. He wants me to wait and be at peace. He wants me to worship and serve while I wait. He knows it is very painful for me but He wants me to move ahead in boldness and confidence, confident in His love for me.

I often sing this song either aloud in the privacy of our bedroom or in my heart when I listen to it on my MP3 player in the train, controlling my tears when I am in public. It is my heart's cry to God, in all sincerity.

So I wait. I wait faithfully...