Friday, October 31, 2008

What happens next?

DH and I did not fight and I know many of you were concerned that I would beat the living daylights out of him. I didn't.

I didn't go the airport and when he arrived home, I was tucking Osh Osh in to bed. DH asked why I was cold towards him and I told him I will explain later as I wanted to get Osh Osh to sleep first. His parents didn't tell him what I told them (I had spoken to them earlier explaining why I didn't want to go to the airport).

To cut a long story short (because I am just so tired and drained at the moment and typing this from work), DH's opinion is that it wasn't because he started off on the wrong foot for the first day. He genuinely didn't know the answers to a few questions and even if he had arrived 3 hours earlier to the exam centre, he still wouldn't have gotten it right.

I apologized to him for jumping to that conclusion. I reiterated that I feel that it is such a waste of effort and hard work on his part if it was due to the delay of arriving at the exam centre. He repeated saying it wasn't because of that.

However, as expected, he felt that I should be more supportive to him at this time. I told him I am unable to do that.

It's not just this exam and him failing it. I am just so disappointed and drained. All 5 years of our marriage, I've been putting my life on hold for him to clear these exams which he promised me that I can "start my life" after he passes. My life meaning what I want to do in my career, what I want to pursue. As his job takes so much out of him, I have to be the one to be there for Osh Osh when he needs a parent. He used to tell me that once he passes, he would have more time for the family because he doesn't need to study anymore and then I can embark on what I want to do.

Looks like that has to be shelved for now. I feel like I'm living with an empty shell of a husband.

DH isn’t really around even when he's home. He's just detached mentally and emotionally. His reason - he is distracted with his studies and exams. Sometimes, I feel that although he is physically at home, he's not with us. Well, that is going to carry on for another year. I have spoken to him many times about this; about how we're not connecting anymore and about how he doesn't connect with Osh Osh. His reply - he will change.

He's often hot tempered and he takes it out on me and Osh Osh when he is fed up with all his studies and exam stress, when he feels that his colleagues have moved on ahead of him, when he feels he's been short-changed by God. We've talked at length about his temper many many many times. His reply - he will change.

How do I feel today? I told him last night, a part of me has died. He went back to sleep.

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