DH and I celebrated our sixth year wedding anniversary last Friday. We checked ourselves into a local hotel by the river while my parents who are staying with us this week, looked after Osh Osh for us. This is indeed a luxury for us, having this rare opportunity to spend time together.
It's been a good three days two nights stay. We prayed, studied the Bible, talked, went shopping, lazed around, went to the pool and the gym, watched a DVD and of course, made love. We reconnected and recommitted our lives to God. We prayed and spoke honestly about our hurts and disappointments in life. I cried, wrestled with my own disbelief, anger and frustration and spent a lot of time thinking. The end result? Both DH and I have resolved to love God wholeheartedly and to let nothing in our lives become more important than God. DH commented that this is such a tall order but we want to return to God.
When we were watching Facing the Giants, I was so moved by Brooke's struggle with infertility. It touched a very raw part of my life. I was in tears when Brooke told God that she will still love him no matter what, after her doctor's visit and finding out that her pregnancy result was once again, negative. However, as she was about to drive away, the nurse came running out of the clinic to stop her. It turned out that there was a mix up and she was given the wrong information. Brooke was pregnant. She was overjoyed!
I felt envious. I want so much for God to answer my prayers that way! It just seemed to tie up so nicely in the movie. Two years later after her miracle baby, she was pregnant again. It was the ideal happy ending - the infertile couple now has two children! Does God answer our prayers in real life? The answer is yes although we have to accept that His answers may not be the ones we want. However, firstly, we must love God wholeheartedly and hold nothing back. Nothing in our lives, not even the hope of having another child, must be of a higher priority than loving God with all our hearts. We have to trust God that His plans for us are for our ultimate good.
We have been studying the Bible using the study guide in the DVD. It prompted us to have a very honest look at our own lives and where we have strayed. I did not come to the conclusion in the paragraph above easily. When DH said that we are to love God no matter what, even if it means we may never have another child, I sobbed uncontrollably. My eyes are starting to tear as I am writing this.
However, I know that I have put my own desire of having another child above loving and serving God with all my heart. It is because I want one so much! I do not have the answers as to why God has not answered our prayer with a yes or whether He will ever say yes to this.
What I do know is that I am taking a step of faith in saying that I will love God no matter what. No matter how many months or even years of disappointments lie ahead, no matter how many times I cry myself to sleep at nights, no matter how many times I have to put up a brave front when others ask me why we are not having another child, no matter how many times I feel angry and frustrated...no matter what...I love God with all my heart.