Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Do I trust Him?

Last week, a number of incidents happened that caused me to feel like I'm a tossed around little life raft in a raging sea in the middle of the nightmarish storm. The storm is starting to settle but the feeling of peace is not quite in my possession yet.

Osh Osh was sick with a viral fever all of last week. His high stubborn fever would not go away. The fever only broke last Saturday morning after a full 6 day course of medication. Osh Osh remained happy and optimistic throughout the ordeal although his Mummy was a horrible emotional wreck shackled with excessive worry. I was also very stretched with work demands because our global head from London was in our office. DH and I were also still very preoccupied with our search for a new home.

I felt so worn out after nights of interrupted restless sleep. Everything seemed to overwhelm me. I prayed and asked God for His help, for clarity and for guidance. Our property search has taken on a new twist. God does answer prayers but in His answers to us, I believe I have been given a new test. This test challenges my trust in God and also my belief and confidence in the strength of my marriage relationship with DH. In this test, I have to question myself to see how much I really trust God to work in us as a couple.

At this moment, I know I have not passed the test. I pray that I will have a clearer longer term vision of our marriage and God's will in our lives. I want so much to trust God and DH completely but I know I am holding back. To fully trust for me is like free-falling hundreds of thousands of feet above ground level, without a parachute. I can hear the "splat" so clearly in my mind that it sends chills down my spine.

However, I know I cannot carry on pretending to be in control of things that are clearly beyond my control. I come to God numerous times during the day to seek his assurance and strength. So like a little child holding on tightly to her mother's skirt, I was clinging on to my own perceived reality that I could resolve all the conflicts with my own strength and intellect. Therefore, like that child who, after much coaxing, finally released her grip and ran along to play happily, free of fear; I am slowly releasing my grip on my perceived notion of personal strength and wisdom, finger by finger. I force myself to remember and trust that God, like the child's mother, only wants what is best for me.

If I keep lacking trust and belief that His plans for me are meant for good, I will never be able to live a confident fulfilled life. As you know, life is not lived behind someone's skirt. It is lived by running in an open field, falling down and getting cuts and bruises; but at the same time, always knowing that you can run home at any time, tear-stained face and all, to the one who is waiting for you with bandages, a hot cup of chocolate and an unlimited amount of unconditional love.

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