Wednesday, October 21, 2009

An invisible shroud of gloom

I seem to be walking around in an invisible shroud of gloom lately. I can't seem to shake it off despite my efforts to perk up. I prayed, telling myself that I have many things to be grateful for and that this is an attack from the devil. Still, the shroud remains. Some moments, it is so thick that it suffocates me. Other times, it doesn't constrict my daily normal functioning but I know it's there.

A few nights ago, I told Osh Osh that I will be travelling overseas for a business trip on 1 November. He looked at me puzzled and said, "But Mummy, you said 2 November!" I had told him last month about the trip to prepare him for my one week of absence. He wasn't happy but he was comforted by the fact that my Mum will be coming over to stay and help us out. I was surprised that he remembered that I said I would fly on 2 November. It was only recently that my manager asked me to change my flight to 1 November to have an extra day there for more meetings. Osh Osh didn't cry when we talked about my travel plans but I could see that his heart sank and he was trying very hard to be brave. He said that he will miss me and it will not be the same not having me there beside him, reading to him each night before he sleeps. I told him that his Grandma will be there to read to him. Osh Osh replied, "It's not the same. Poh Poh doesn't read Froggy the same way that you do!" He started to sound exasperated so I decided to change the topic. We left the "reading" topic and I told him that I will be away for only 7 days. I assured him that I will buy a toy for him as a souvenir. He smiled a small smile and said, "If you cannot buy a big toy, a small one is ok."

Maybe this is the main reason for my invisible shroud of gloom. Just as Osh Osh feels that it will not be the same without me around, I feel that there is an emptiness when I am not with him. I will miss his laughter, his hugs and kisses, his numerous recounts of the events of his day, his acute words of Godly wisdom and our quiet moments of closeness. I will miss him so much that my heart will break. I dread the arrival of 1 November. I don't know who will be the stronger one. Chances are I will start bawling first at the airport! It would be as though a big part of me is roughly ripped out, leaving a gaping hole of loneliness and emptiness.

DH and I talked about this last night. He comforted me in that my business trip would only be for 7 days. The days would go by quickly because my schedule is very packed. I would not have any time to sit in the hotel room and mope or twiddle my thumbs and think of home. DH was very tired from work so he didn't want to stay up until late to continue talking about my shroud of gloom. I was tired too so we slept.

I don't have any answers. A lot of people travel long distance for business trips leaving their loved ones behind for days, weeks and even months. They cope, they make the effort to connect and be a united family despite the geographical distance. I am just going on this one trip. It's not the end of the world. I guess I don't have what it takes to be a true blue corporate Mum. My heart belongs to my "Soft Toy Boy" and nothing in the world will ever change that.

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