Thursday, August 13, 2009


I can be so fickle, especially in terms of letting my feelings take control of my reactions to circumstances. A mature person would take stock of what they are feeling at that particular moment and make a conscious effort to either act according to the feeling, if it is warranted, or refuse to let the feeling, no matter how strong, overpower all sense of rationality.

Here's an example of how fickle I can be (the events span from the past 2 days):

1) I had my mid year appraisal conversation with my line manager on Tuesday. It went well. She acknowledged that I have been working hard. I have been enthusiastic to the changes that the organization is currently facing and had been doing my part to integrate myself to the business. Overall, she was pleased with me. Although a pay increment or any form of monetary incentive was not permitted by the company due to their cost cutting and cost optimization policies and I have now been given more responsibilities, I felt happy because my hard work and efforts were recognized. Yes, you heard that right. I am happy to take on more work without more pay simply because my superior thinks I'm valuable to the team. It's amazing how much mileage a few words of appreciation and affirmation have on me!

2) DH and I had a very meaningful fellowship on Tuesday night. We felt closer to God after heartfelt prayers and closer to each other. I felt that it was a turning point for us and that all the walls of anger, resentment and disappointment collapsed. It gave me hope for a new beginning in our marriage. So, I felt really good and at peace.

3) I was not feeling well last night due to tummy upset and diarrhea. DH was busy and Osh Osh wanted attention which I couldn't give him and he fussed. I felt upset and unappreciated because it seemed to me that neither DH or Osh Osh recognized how much pain and discomfort I was having. As a result of my unbalanced view of things, clouded by my churning stomach, I was moody and felt unappreciated. I took it out on DH and Osh Osh. DH felt that I went overboard and we both quarrelled in front of Osh Osh. I cried. Osh Osh cried. DH felt angry and frustrated with me. It all ended badly. The walls of anger, resentment and disappointment were instantly rebuilt. I felt horrible.

I went to work this morning feeling drained and tired. My stomach hasn't settled yet and I have to stay late in the office for a conference call tonight. I'm trying to keep my chin up and keep down my food. If I remain led by my emotions, I would bemoan that my marriage is going down the drain, my son is spoilt and I am jinxed in falling ill so often! If I choose not to be fooled by my emotions, I realise that DH really loves me and is doing all that he can to be supportive. It's just that he is stretched for time and rest due to work. DH's love language is to do acts of service for me and Osh Osh. He is out of his comfort zone to be overtly expressive and affectionate. Nevertheless, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about me. My love language is affection and time as in I need to be told that I am loved and appreciated. If DH sets aside time just to sit down and give me his full attention, I feel deeply loved by him. As our love languages are so different, we couldn't communicate our love to each other well last night and the end result was that we both felt unloved.

If I am rational, Osh Osh is a good boy and most of the time, he does a lot of things just to please me. However, he is only a 4 year old boy so I cannot expect him to be compassionate and thoughtful when I need him to be. The fact that he fussed when I couldn't give him the attention he needed shows how much he missed me while at school and he merely wanted to receive love from me.

As for falling ill so often, a lot of people at work are ill. I've also not been careful with my diet and am often stressed. I am not jinxed. I just need to take better care of myself.

What am I feeling now? I am still tired and after I post this, I will have to run to the toilet. However, writing this has helped me put things in the right perspective. I am looking forward to go home at the end of the day to give both DH and Osh Osh a hug!

1 comment:

mummyof3 said...


I say it again, don't be so hard on yourself. It was one of those days. We are human. So are our loved ones. It will get better. Just remember to top up your love tank and you will find it in you to move forward.

Take care.