Thursday, January 1, 2009

A pensive start to the New Year

I had started my New Year's eve feeling excited, thinking that DH was off and we could have a nice family day on New Year's Day. However, later yesterday evening, when DH received his duty roster, we discovered that he was on shift duty the whole of today. I was very disappointed and nearly cried.

It's nothing new with DH having to work on public holidays and weekends but somehow, having him work on New Year's Day seemed like such a big blow to me. Maybe I'm just being emotional, it being the end of another year.
We've had a rough year as individuals, as a couple, as parents. I've been melancholy over the last few days of 2008 due to some work situations. It may not be logical but I figured that if we started the New Year together as a family and have a happy day, it will make 2009 a better year, kind of like a sign of things to come.

Therefore, when I realised we won't be having a family day today, it made me worry if this is a sign...does this mean that 2009 will also be another difficult year for us? Having to struggle to find family time together? Having to steal time here and there to reconnect as a couple? Being short tempered and taking out on Osh Osh because we are so stretched ourselves? I really dread the events of 2008 repeating themselves this year.

I know that I shouldn't rely on feelings and emotions, more so when I am low. I also know that I shouldn't interpret DH's absence today as a sign of bad things to come. Yes, it seems very illogical that I should be thinking this way. However, as you can guess, I can't seem to shrug off these negative feelings.

Last night, although DH was tired, we spent some time talking and reflecting on the past year and prayed for the year ahead. DH said, "New Year's Day is just another day, one day out of 365 days. Don't read too much into it".

I hope so. We really need a change for the better this year. I told DH it's so hard to keep feeling beaten and defeated in so many ways, every single day. After our prayer last night, I asked DH to go to sleep first because he looked really tired and I was still quite wound up and couldn't sleep yet. I spent some time checking my email messages. In my inbox was one of the daily Christian devotional messages I subscribed to. It was titled "The Night I Lost All Hope". I sat up straight. It was as though that article was written especially for me.

Here's the final two paragraphs of that devotional written by a mother of a wayward son whom she was praying for. She wanted him to get help and attend a weekly support group meeting in hope that he will turn over a new leaf. That was her hope. He didn't show up for the meeting. She was devastated but here's what she wrote:

"The hope (she's referring to her own hope that her son will change once he attends the meeting) I had lost -- that 1% I'd been clinging to -- was human hope. That kind of hope is in limited quantity, and when it runs out, you are left drained, discouraged, disappointed and ...hopeless! Oh, it may masquerade as "hope," but it is completely different from the hope that God provides. God's hope renews and refreshes. It empowers, uplifts, and strengthens. God's hope does not disappoint! There is an unlimited supply of God's hope.

God knew I had been clinging to human hope, and He knew that last 1% of weak, feeble hope would run out. He wanted me to cling to Him, the God of true, lasting, unlimited hope. So, as I wiped my tears, I waited as the winds of God's hope blew my way. My circumstances were still the same, but my heart was now filled with the hope that only God can provide."

I'm not there yet where this mother has arrived but I pray that somehow I will get there. I have to believe there is hope...

1 comment:

Louisa May said...

Hey gal ! 2009 is gonna be good !! Be positive and half of the battle is already won - at least mentally :) So smile ya ... Happy 2009 and a fulfilling year ahead !