Anguish

I started spotting this morning. Once this happens, it's without a doubt that I will have my period in a few days time. I'm not pregnant again. I tell myself, "It's ok. There's always hope for better news next month." As some of you know, we've been trying to conceive a second child for over a year now. Some months, I cope better. Some months, I'm a wreck.

Today, I was filled with sadness, as expected. I tried to keep myself busy. I decided to change Osh Osh's bedsheets before I leave for work (DH had taken Osh Osh to school earlier as I'm going to the office later than usual today). He had an "accident" last night, probably because he was coughing a lot and couldn't control his bladder.

As I changed his sheets, I couldn't stop my tears from flowing. I sat there on the floor amidst the soiled sheets, hugging his little pillow and sobbing. I tried to pray but I couldn't articulate. I just sobbed.

Finally after 5 minutes or so, I picked myself up and completed the task. I went out to the balcony to check on Osh Osh's plant. There are 2 young shoots now and they seemed to be growing well. Looking at the plant gave me some comfort. While I will allow myself some time to grieve, I will not wallow in self pity. There is always hope for new life.