Friday, May 29, 2009

Empty womb

I have been having bad menses cramps even since I hit puberty. It's something I'm used to. However, this month's pain was worse than usual and lasted longer than my usual first day symptom. It made me worried.

I called my gynae on Tuesday to fix an appointment for a scan. She was kind enough to fit me into her busy schedule. The appointment was this afternoon at her clinic in a general hospital. I had mentally prepared myself that there will be many pregnant women as after all, what do you expect at a gynae's clinic?
However, I guess the mental preparation didn't help. When I stepped into the clinic, I immediately felt like I didn't belong there. Everywhere I looked, there were happily beaming women with little and big bumps, all accompanied by either their husbands or mothers or both! You could feel the excitement of new life, new hopes and new beginnings in the air.

I wanted to run away as quickly as I stepped in! Instead, the rational "me", the one I normally listen to, led me to a seat in a corner and asked me to take out the book I was reading. I tried my best to immerse myself into my book but every now and again, the nurse would call out a patient's name and I just had to look up. I would see the familiar image of a man with his hand against the back of his pregnant wife, carefully ushering her to the doctor's room. The nurse would be smiling and making small talk with the couple. The pregnant woman would smile and nod and look at her husband with love.

I suddenly felt a wave of sadness engulf me. I fought back the tears in the waiting room. No, I shall not cry, said the rational "me". You're a grown woman. Of course, there are pregnant women in this clinic. It's not like you went to football stadium. Now, that would be odd if you happened to see so many pregnant women there! Then again, there might just be a friendly match going on between mothers-to-be!
Suddenly, I heard the nurse call my name. I looked at her, puzzled. Why would she call my name? I have no reason being here. The rational "me" then yelled at me, "Get off your butt! It's your turn!"

I smiled and followed the nurse to the scanning room. She prepped me for the procedure. As I lay on the table with my skirt pulled over my waist and the lower half of my body covered by a white cloth, I prayed for peace. Five minutes later, my gynae came. We had some small talk as she inserted the scanning device (which looked like a long thin mushroom) up my vagina. It was not pleasant, to say the very least!

I know she did her best to make me as comfortable as possible. I felt sharp pain a few times. She said she needed to move it around to have a thorough look inside me. I could also see the scanned images. She said cheerfully that it didn't seem that long ago that Osh Osh was just a little speck in me. I smiled but deep inside, I felt a great pang of sadness. I looked and saw that my womb was empty. I felt empty.

The good news is that I am fine. My uterus looks fine and she didn't see any cysts anywhere. My blood pressure is a bit on the high side so I have to watch my diet, exercise and remember to relax and not let stress overwhelm me.

Before I left the room, my gynae said to me, "Hope it won't be too long before we see you here again with happy news". I pray that it will be so too.

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